MEAT OUCHERS INC.

Weenie-Licked: Begin

A young worker stands at his workplace. A place that is also his home. Personal identity is not a priority for his Employers, only Weenies. Because of this, he has forgotten his name. What will his name be?

Crash10012: "his name shall be paul rudd"

Your name is PAUL RUDD. You are a professional MEAT HANDLER, working for MEATOUCHERS.INC. And you love weenies, or so you are told. What are you going to do?

Crash10012: "BEAT MY MEAT"

What's this? Some decadent pixie snuck into your room. How disrespectful. They are attempting to allure you with their ASS. Your high BUM RESISTANCE nullifies their attempts. "Who are you?" you ask.

It is none other than CRASH, the local fuckboy, and they are demanding that you BEAT THEIR MEAT. Well, it has been a rather long time since you've had a good MEAT BEATAGE, you suppose one round couldn't hurt. "Just one second," you say.

"Excuse me while I whip this out," you say, chuckling to yourself. Crash doesn't laugh, but their bum movements become a bit less perky. You aren't good with ladies. You never were.

BEHOLD. It is the mighty SALAMI SLAMINI, your weapon of choice. This baby is equipped with a 50,000 VOLT ACTION BATTERY and EXTENDO-ENDO-END for long range MEATAGE BEATAGE.

You firmly grasp it, and...

...FWAP. Another successful MEAT BEATING. Feeling that supple FWAP reminded you of the good old MEAT BEATING MEETINGS, where MEAT LOVERS would BEAT their MEAT all day. That is, until the VEGETARIANS attacked with their terrible ROOTS and GOURDS. The MEAT BEATING BEET MEETINGS that came afterwards were worth it, though.

"Was that a sufficient BEAT, or should we HEAT it up? Ahahahaaha," you say.

ridesthenarwhal: "check out your surroundings!"

This is where you live and work, the 25th floor of the MEATOUCHERS.INC HQ. The large metal door next to you is your WORKSPACE, but there is no work to be done yet. It kind of makes you sad. Each employee of MEATOUCHERS.INC has their own designated floor containing a bedroom and a work area. Just your luck that you got the shitty floor with the locked bedroom, because the previous employee who lived there was an ANUS. You just camp out next to it in the hallway instead.

Sometimes you wish you could go HOME, but instead you are STUCK in this awful room. It makes you happy though, to be doing work for the good of MEAT. You love weenies.

Spirkiroid: "take weenees poster down"

This 'weenees' poster has been watching over you for as long as you can remember. You never really thought about it, since it's telling the truth. Your love for MEAT and WEENIES is far beyond that of any other. You suppose it is time to remove the poster. You do not need a piece of paper measuring your love; you can feel it.

Behind the poster is a wall. On that wall is... some kind of mechanism, labelled MBOT. This thing has been watching you handle your meats for years, you... aren't quite sure how you feel about that. It appears to have a speaker, but you can't hear any sounds coming out.

Spirkiroid: "examine vent"

You add the WEENEES POSTER to your INFINITORY. You don't have to worry about space, the INFINITORY is INFINITE.

The VENT is screwed on tight, and a slight breeze is coming through. When you press your ear up to it, you can hear mechanical sounds from deep within the building, and occasional echos from above. You pull at it, but it does not give.

ridesthenarwhal: "open the weenie box, empty out whatever's inside, and sit in it!"

There are WEENIES in the WEENIE BOX. Who would have guessed. Just gotta make some room here...

"Eheheeeheheh," you say. This box is very cozy, you're not sure if you ever want to get out. Maybe you could spend your whole life here! You then realize there is SOILED MEAT all over the ground. This makes you sad, you hope no one was watching.

Nope. She's still down.

chuckles: "clean the weenies"

You quickly spray off the weenies and place them back in the box. Ehehe, n-no goofing off here, just making sure the meat is still in good condition. Any other accusations would be absurd. You look around nervously.

A sudden "PING" sounds off behind you, making you jump. It's just your WORK SPACE, signifying WORK to be done. Good thing you cleaned your weenies.

ADULT_LINK: "walk to door (or elevator?) with the word "new" flashing over it, and inspect it."

This is a common sight in your life. Most of your days are just staring at this, doing your tedious work. Though it's for the good of meat so it's FINE and you LOVE it. The speaker to the left "PING"s when there is WORK to be done. The GREEN button opens the MEAT SLOT. The RED buttom closes the MEAT SLOT and sends it on its way, which would be the floor above you.

chuckles: "stuff Crash in MEAT SLOT and press the RED button."

You suddenly realize the terrible implications of having an unconscious scantily clad woman lying in your room while at work. What assumptions would your boss have? What could you say? "Well sir, she came into my room asking for meat so I slapped her across the face with my electric extendo weenie weapon," it's not gonna fly. Plus she's gonna be pissed when she wakes up anyway.

Just let the neighbor upstairs deal with it. They're an asshole anyways, what with all the noise. Somehow you manage to jam her body into the tiny lift. "You can never go wrong with the fetal position!" your dad used to say. Your dad went to jail.

You can hear her screeching various curses as the lift moves her up to the next room. Whatever. Out of sight, out of mind. You just hope your boss doesn't mind that you smushed the WEENIE BUNS that were supposed to be on the lift with an UNCONSCIOUS LADY. "She was already there on the lift when I found her! That ain't no bun I's ever seen," You guess that excuse could work.

Your job normally consisted of putting WEENIES on the TOASTED WEENIE BUNS that would come up on the lift from the room below, but that's kind of out of the question now. Who are you kidding, you know your employment here is boned.

Jeffory: "Use the Pumpkin as a makeshift weenie storage device."

A VEGETABLE? Enveloping a glorious piece of MEAT? The very idea is disgusting to you. Gourds are DISGUSTING and VILE and all vegetables should die.

Either way, there is NO PUMPKIN to put any WEENIES in. Only the scribbles that resemble a PUMPKIN by your bed. And you can't put any weenies in there. There is absolutely no way it will ever happen.

You should really get around to cleaning up these scribbles soon anyway. They bring back bad memories of a dream you once had.

Spirkiroid: "Go through the south door"

You go through the southern door, leading you into the STAIRWELL. Well, it used to be a STAIRWELL you guess. Now it's just a huge pit leading down to the bottom of the building. The big hole now serves as your bathroom, since you can't get into your bedroom. It was a little weird at first but you've been doing it for years, and no one has ever complained, so whatever.

This room is also incredibly cold, cold enough to safely store all your weenies.

Jeffory: "Examine panel thingy next to doorway"

This panel thingy is some kind of walkie talkie, except without the walkie part. You can use it to talk to and listen in on different levels of the stairway. You just need to input which floor you want to radio in and press the red button. You've never gotten a call on it before, but sometimes you still like to talk to it.

Mugen Kagemaru: "Type in "14085" then press the red button and talk into it."

You try the number '14085' but hear nothing coming out. You talk into it.

"H-hello, hello.... hello? Uh, is anyone there? If you can hear me please send a message to the lobby, my elevator door won't work and I'm locked out of my room. Also is your stairwell fucked up too? I mean I dunno how it wouldn't be, theoretically I'm below you so there's no way it'd be supported if mine is all gone. So yours HAS to be gone, right? And what the fuck is up with that, am I right? What if there is a fire? This place kinda sucks huh. Ehhheheheh don't tell them I said that though. So what do you even do up on the 14085th floor? All I do is put weenies on buns. Are you adding lasers and nuclear components to them? I mean there are only so many steps to making a hotdog."

You talk into the phone for about 10 minutes. Yeah, there's no way anyone is listening.

chuckles: "pray to Beerd and Cheezus for guidance"

You wish you had someone to talk to. It gets lonely being only with weenies all the time. Maybe you were too quick to attack the strange woman from earlier.

You might never get another chance to speak to anyone ever again.

Your mother taught you about the two ancient deities when you were very young. One was named Beerd, the other was called Cheezus. Only foggy, fragmented memories remain of these tales. You wouldn't really call yourself a religious man, though you hardly have much of a choice at this point. You call upon Beerd's guidance. WWBD?

Crash's hat suddenly starts floating up, up, and out the window. Wut. You don't think this is Beerd's doing... but-

...ok. A strange, suspicious looking man appears in the window. There is an aura of smugness about him.

The MESSENGER OF BEERD has granted you a KEY. He then disappears, just as mysteriously as he entered. PRAISE BEERD.

Dawn Of a New Day: "Throw the key back. We don't need that shit."

BEHOLD. It is the coveted KEY TO THE ARG. It is said that this KEY can unlock ANYTHING. This holy relic was once used by BEERD BEEKMAN himself to lock away the horrors that were RANDY DAVIS after the HOLY WARS against the SHAVEN ONES.

You now hold a great amount of RESPONSIBILITY in your hands. It is a question scholars have been asking for centuries, should any mere mortal hold such power? Can anyone fathom the unquestionable might that is the power of a GOD? Surely this boon will be of vital importance to y-

"What a weird guy. I don't want his key. It smells weird. Please don't litter, sir," you yell the last bit out the window.

He doesn't seem too happy.

If only you would have payed attention to your mother's stories when you were a child, maybe you would have remembered that the very same key you threw back was the KEY TO THE ARG. You don't know that though, so you just smile like an idiot.

Now you have NO KEY to try on ANYTHING.

Crash10012: "crawl into box of weenies"

You crawl into a weenie box. You know this is a habit of yours, but it's hard to break an addiction.

Just then, a face appears in the moonlight, as a warmness washes over you. You still haven't received your boon from Cheezus yet!

Cheezus grants you the BIONIC BROTTKNOCKER. If you knock this item on the door of a residence of someone who is a weenie, then that door will magically open up! It was rumored to be used during the GREAT WEENIE PURGES after the HOLY WARS, to seek out the SHAVEN ONES and their PRISSY WAYS.

You immediately add it to your INFINITORY.

Dawn Of a New Day: "Type in "26" on the key pad, press the red button, and yell."

"AAAAAAAAAAAA", you yell into the 26th floor on the mic. Dude's always giving you shit up above you, keeping you up all night with their constant noises. You listen in real close. This is gonna be great.

"BEEP".

...a loud mechanical beep. You guess the phone might be busted? It ain't no beep you's ever heard before.

CircleHunter: "Go back to the work room and eat a weenie."

Well, it HAS been a rather long time since you last ate. "Don't mind if I do!" you say, wriggling your fingers.

GOODNESS YOU FORGOT HOW GOOD WEENIES ARE IT'S LIKE THE WORLD IS EXPLODING AROUND YOU IN A FLURRY OF EUPHORIA MIXED WITH THE TENDER TOUCH OF AN ANGEL'S RAINBOW. HOW YOU LOVE THE SUPPLE TEXTURE AND LEMONY FLAVOR A- wait

EUGH. You spit it out. You forgot that those were the weenies that you cleaned off earlier with windex or something.

ARGdov: "Use the dumbwaiter thing in your work area to go to the floor below your's."

Unfortunately the MEAT SLOT only has a tray to carry stuff in it when it's time for you to work. Also, it only takes the contents to the floor above yours, it never goes down.

chuckles: "use the BROTTKNOCKER on various doors and see what works"

Dawn Of a New Day: "Wait, didn't Paul just eat windex? Isn't he gonna die or something now?"

You begin trying your BROTTKNOCKER on all the doors in the room. The MEAT SLOT does not give, though it'd be kinda pointless anyways.

The ELEVATOR still does not open. Kind of expected.

You slooooowly slide your BIONIC BROTTKNOCKER against the BEDROOM door, and...

IT OPENED. It's been 10 years. Time to finally see what's inside. You guess the only way the BROTTKNOCKER worked is if a huge weenie lived there before you, let's g-

Is that a pony.

Holding this doll in your hands... it makes you feel something. Something deep inside of you, it makes you want to...

"BLAUGH", you blaugh, as you vomit. You guess that windex didn't sit well in your stomach, despite spitting most of it out.

Spirkiroid: "Throw vomit covered pony against the wall and enter the bedroom"

Jeffory: "call upon the moon god and space wizard, David Bowie, to relieve your nausea."

You throw the pony against the wall. It sticks.

You aren't feeling too great. You call upon the great ancient SPACE WIZARD BOWIE to heal you. You have heard tales of his great deeds, and only pray that they are true.

BLESSED BE THE BOWIE.

Your HEALTH and STATUS are back to normal. Thank you based Bowie.

You have just discovered the PRAYER skill. Right now you can summon three powerful beings to aid you: BOWIE for personal health, CHEEZUS for powerful boons, and BEERD for holy messengers.

You stand in a CRAMPED ROOM. There are more of those pony things all over the floor. In front of you is a large OUTHOUSE, which seems a bit out of place. There is also an actual BATHROOM next to the entrance, which means no more cold pooping into the void. Various papers are littered across the floor with writing on them. You're just happy you got someplace warm to stay.

Crash10012: "examine outhouse"

Dawn Of a New Day: "We all know what's in the outhouse. We all know whose room this is. We must cleanse it with a satanic ritual. It's the only way."

It's a pretty shitty outhouse, even when it comes to outhouse standards. The door on it is locked from the inside, and for some reason you can't pry any of the wood away to get in. If you press your ear up to it, you can hear something that sounds like snoring coming from deep within, but you pass it off as being the wind. You bet a hot country chick lived in this room, what with all the ponies and the outhouse. Man, if only you could have met her. You hope the outhouse was just a souvenir from her home though... and not an actual functioning outhouse.

Crash10012: "go to toilet"

You don't know any SATANIC RITUALS yet. If you did, you'd totally use one, because that sounds awesome. But you don't. So you are NOT AWESOME.

Wow, what a SHITTY BATHROOM. The handles on the shower are broken off, and the water would pour right into the toilet anyway. Also there is no toilet paper left, but you guess it'd be pointless cause it'd just get all soggy otherwise. You're still enthralled just to have a bathroom though.

Spirkiroid: "look in the shower grate"

Dawn Of a New Day: "And then take a massive meat dump."

Inside the shower grate you can see a large red button, but there's no way you can press it with your fingers alone.

Feeling your bowels heavy, you then take a MASSIVE MEAT DUMP in the toilet. The event was extreme and intense, there is no way to properly convey it. It was something like this.

ADULT_LINK: "poke red button with a weenie"

chuckles: "anyways go knock on outhouse door"

You go and get a weenie from your work room.

The room around you suddenly changes in a whirlwind of confusion.

After the BATHROOM changes, there are several monitors and control panels on the walls. Beeps and boops are all around, and most of this stuff is too complicated to make sense of. You're starting to think that this place wasn't home to a country girl anymore.

You go to knock on the OUTHOUSE, but before you can..

...a mysterious, hunched over figure emerges from the OUTHOUSE door.

"Well well, what do we have here? If it isn't Paul Rudd," Mugen says.

What will you do/say?

CircleHunter: "Speak in a different font color so he knows you're playing his game."

Spirkiroid: "pull up his hood, revealing his beautiful face"

"Uhh... I mean, uhh... who are you? Are you the country girl who owned this place before me? Well, I guess technically I never owned this place... but it WAS assigned to me so, it's mine? And what's with the ponies.", you say to him.

"Hmph, I'm not an employee of MEATOUCHERS.INC. Never was. I am the eyes, ears, and brains of my cohorts. Saying any more would be too much. Honestly, we weren't even meant to meet. But we were destined too. I could see it.", he says.

"What's with this guy," you think to yourself.

"What are you even doing here. Why do you live in an outhouse. Why didn't you let me live in here? I've been pooping in the stairwell for like years. Do you know how scary and cold that is? And will you just take that blasted hood off already?", you say.

"NO. You have yet to prove yourself enough to see my appearance."

"Bullshit."

"AUGH."

You grab his dumb hood and pull it off.

"Now you've done it, Rudd,", he hisses out at you.

"Good god he's gorgeous," you think to yourself.

POW. He decks you right across the face.

"En garde, bitch," he scoffs.

Dawn Of a New Day: "Throw the thrown-up fluttershy at him. That will surely keep him at bay."

chuckles: "AFTER YOU THROW THE FLUTTERSHY AT HIM RUN INTO THE MAGIC OUTHOUSE AND USE IT TO GET OUT OF THERE"

"You pry the vomit-covered pony off the wall and fling it at Mugen's face, discovering a new skill of yours."

JESUS LOOK AT IT GO

SPLAT. It hits Mugen right in the face.

Mugen is searching for his glasses, giving you ample time to slip into his OUTHOUSE. "LATER FUCKBOY,"

You got away. You make sure to lock the door behind you. Weird, it's made of metal from the inside... and this place is a whole lot spacier on the inside... literally.

You are now inside MUGEN'S MAGICAL OUTHOUSE. This is his home, and base of operations. There are tons of beeps and boops, moreso than the bathroom. Man, what's this guy's deal with turning toiletries into super science rooms? There's some kind of big machine in the middle, a room in the back, and a huge window to FUCKING SPACE.

ADULT_LINK: "Explore and get to know surroundings, and check what planets you can see from the Shardis (yes thats what i think it should be called)."

In the center of the SHARDIS is a large machine. You assume that this is the main control point. The large black sphere in the center is apparently the power source. There are various buttons on the panels. Some turn on a phone booth cloaking device, others do mundane things like make coffee.

There's a hallway to the right of the machine. Stright ahead is a room that you believe to be Mugen's quarters. It's locked, but you're not sure you'd want to enter it anyways.

To your left, the hallway leads to the bathroom.

At the other end of the hallway is a door labelled 'WH'. There's probably something stupid in there, you don't go in yet.

Back in the main room, you find a door behind the large machine.

Maybe there's something useful in here, like a super high tech weapon!

You can't take it, your curiosity gets the better of you...

Honestly, what did you expect.

You look out the giant window, into endless space. You can see a small planet, with what appears to be covered in water. It looks dead though, washed out and lifeless. Next to it is a great, giant sun.

"Hey Paul. Sup?"

The sun says.

"Who are you?", you ask.

"I'm the fucking sun,", the fucking sun says.

"Uh, alright,", you say. You're not sure you are completely convinced, but you don't see anyone else around, and for some reason it just fits.

"Where is this?", you ask.

"You're in moogen's outhouse. He likes to pretend it's a space ship."

"Okay... but what is that?", you ask, pointing at the small blue planet.

"That's a planet."

"...I know. But what planet? Mine?"

"It's not your's. That'd be impossible, since this is another universe."

"What?? That guys outhouse has a universe in it?"

"Yes."

"Nah, moogen's outhouse can jump around space and time like that. "

"Hey sorry to run, but there's stuff I gotta do, so I gotta go."

"I'm still so confused..."

"Go ask moogen. He loves exposition and his own voice. Seeya."

"I don't think that'll work...", you think to yourself and how you called him a fuckboy, whatever that is.

Dawn Of a New Day: "Use the BROTTKNOCKER on Mugen's door, since he's a weenie."

Crash10012: "display baby grinch in hd on all of the shardis' monitors"

ARGdov: "ask moogen through the door what the fuck is going on. If he refuses to answer, threaten to pull every lever and push every button on the main control panel."

"Uh Mugen? Or... Moogen? Whatever it is. You out there? Buddy? ....uh, y-yeah, I was just wondering, uh, what's going on, like, with everything. Wtf is with this planet that's all desaturated and shit and the fucking talking sun. Are you there? I just wanted a comfy room to sleep in while I go about my simple weenie life. And maybe a hot country girl companion to talk to, I didn't mean to cause an inter-universal affair. Hey, l-look, if you don't answer, I'll start fucking with your spaceship, ok? So, uh, you better start takling, mister. Okay, I'm gonna do it, you asked for it. And your dolls are gonna get more vomit on them too, unless I start hearing some answer, bozo."

Yeah, no. He must be long gone by now.

You decide to fuck around with his ship anyways. Your cheek is sorta sore still from where he decked you.

You figure you oughta snoop while you're here. Nothin' else to do.

You slap your BROTTKNOCKER against Mugen's door.

The holy weenie device makes quick work of the locking mechanism. You're in.

You walk through the door to find... a fairly normal room, huh. Well, relatively speaking. You see a ridiculously sized bed, next to some machine hooked to a monitor on the wall. To your left is a closet and some heirlooms. To your right is another large machine.

chuckles: "Play some video games and then open the WH door."

You try to use the mechanism on the floor and have no idea what is going on. There are some very pretty ladies with spikey hair on the screen though.

Eventually you decide to check out the WH door. You're not sure what WH could stand for. Probably for a whole bunch of things. Possibly a Weenie Hut? God, it's been forever since you've been to a Weenie Hut. You're starting to miss weenies a little bit.

You grab the handle and open the door, expecting to be bathed in the scent of hot weenies.

There are no weenies inside the door though.

Only a large, dark room that is very cold.

Dawn Of a New Day: "Go back to steal one of Moogen's "uniforms", then go back to the WH room so you aren't as cold."

Jeffory: "WL Reader: Commit sudoku to avoid catching up with this influx of HOT NEW PAGES"

You get tired of this dumb comic updating all the time and you go play sudoku. You immediately regret this decision. Sudoku is stupid.

You run back to Mugen's room and put on one of his coats. It smells of pineapples, strangely enough, and is a bit heavy.

Mugen's Coat grants you with 50 points of COLD RESISTANCE and 67 points of STEALTH. It also makes you feel badass.

You take this time also to check out your new PONY TOSS SKILL. You can only TOSS a PONY if you have a PONY to TOSS. If you toss an EARTH PONY, the enemy will be KNOCKED BACK. If you toss a PEGASUS, it will FLY farther than normal. If you toss a UNICORN, the pony will ERUPT INTO FLAMES while flying through the air.

You go back to WH. The dark hallway seems to go on forever, what with how dark it is.

Eventually it ends, opening up into a larger room.

In the room there is a LARGE THRONE and a COMPUTER SCREEN next to it.

CircleHunter: "Sit on the throne and update social media."

ARGdov: "Sit on throne and turn on screen. Also, pee on the floor in front of the throne"

After being away from civilization for so long, you quickly use the device to try and communicate with others. You don't have any accounts yet, so you make one up quickly.

The thought of actually talking to other people and fans of weenies makes you so excited, you almost pee on the floor. But you don't, because that'd be stupid.

Suddenly, the throne room around you lights up, along with the rest of the building. It seems that using the device activated the rest of the building's mechanisms. The room is very regal looking, with many ornate patterns on the wall and throne. There are also various paintings and trinkets hung around the room.

ADULT_LINK: "look at wall with things on it, and inspect it to find out wtf it is"

On the wall, there is a rather large painting of a man who looks like an anime. The caption beneath the painting reads "Emperor Spanosa". You assume this must be his throne room. In very small letters on the painting, you can see the words "Royal Artist - Sol".

Next to the painting is a glass case. It looks like there used to be something inside of it, but it's long gone now.

High on the wall is a giant stone statue. Some kind of beast with spikes is at the top, as it transforms into a bolt the lower it goes. This must have been the Emperor's Royal Emblem.

Dawn Of a New Day: "Wonder why there is no Beerd picture there, then pray to Beerd in the hopes that he'd shed some light on the situation. Or at least give you a marker so you can draw a dick on Span's face."

Crash10012: "also take the stone statue off of the wall"

ridesthenarwhal: "hang the brottknocker in the glass case just to admire how regal it looks"

Dawn Of a New Day: "Then ponder the existential crisis of life and the existence of multiple gods, some of whom you may not know, and wonder how you can become god. But not just any god. The god of large, phallus-shaped meat products."

The lack of Beerd in this room disturbs you. Speaking of which, it'd probably be good to have some guidance in this strange place. You pray to Beerd, asking for some help.

You see a small light come down from the sky.

"Hey", says the masked fairy.

"Who are you?", you ask.

"I'm working for Beerd at the moment. I'm your guide. Uh, but I'm not 'Guide', though. That's someone else.", he says.

This just confuses you. But at least you got some help.

"So what is this place?"

"This is the CASTLE OF SPANOSA. It's been abandoned though. Just like the rest of the land. It's DEAD."

"Why are you yelling some words can you stop"

"Sorry. It's done to convey IMPORTANT THINGS to the PLAYERS."

You give him a blank look to indicate you have no clue wtf he's talking about.

"I digress, it's not gonna to get THAT meta. Anyway..."

"The castle rests on the Island of Spanosa, facing towards the rest of the kingdom. This kingdom is called the Within Hubris Empire, and it was once very prosperous. Something happened though, and now it's full of mutated monsters and crap. Welcome to Hubris, Paul."

"Okay, well... how do I go back?"

"Hm?"

"Back to my universe. This has been cool and all, but I'd really like to go back and see my family. It's been like 10 years."

"Ah... I'm afraid that, might not happen... "

You look a bit crestfallen.

"I mean, I'm sure you'll go back to your place soon! But your life won't be easy from here on out. You'll just have to see what I mean later. But yeah, first thing's first."

"Somewhere in this castle is an ancient artifact that was once held by the High Priest. Moogen's been trying to obtain it for a while now, but it's behind a door he cannot open. You can open it though. Once you get that, you will be able to go back to your universe."

"Make sure you keep your salami slamini at the ready, you're not alone in this castle."

"And take this. It's an ACTUAL MAGIC MARKER. It might be handy."

"I'll see you soon, Paul. Good luck."

The cat fairy thing vanishes.

Eager to try out your new marker, you draw a LEWD picture on Spanosa's painting.

"Ehhhehehhhheheheh"

The LEWD picture then comes to life and floats out the window. Welp, it's like the saying goes. You guess there's some kind of saying for that.

You want to take down the giant statue on the wall, but your arms are too puny and weak. It makes you kind of sad.

To cheer yourself up, you place the BROTTKNOCKER in the glass case. You stand in awe, and stare at it for a good 10 minutes. God, just look how regal and inspiring it is. Just having it around makes you feel important. Everyday Cheezus blesses you is like Christmas.

Speaking of... there sure are a lot of Gods around these parts. The lore is a bit confusing. And there are probably even more Gods you haven't even heard of yet! Ugh, sometimes it's a bit too much. How does one become a God, though? Is there some kind of registration? If only you could have that kind of power...

The power of a God.. the God of Large, Phallus-Shaped Meat Products... hmm, no, maybe you should work on that name. LORD RUDD. The one who BLESSES GOOD CHILDREN with WEENIES and BRISKET. You would ask followers to SACRIFICE ONIONS and rain down HOLY TEARS to PURIFY NON-BELIEVERS. Sinners would be BOILED in SCOLDING HOT BBQ SAUCE of JUSTICE.

You're starting to think you might need help.

CircleHunter: "Draw a small companion with the ACTUAL MAGIC MARKER."

Dawn Of a New Day: "Draw the companion in the form of a mini-crash. I-if that's ok. I just want Crash back. ;-;"

Crash10012: "yeah ok and can i have a robot arm too and the ability to speak backwards. also i think paul should pray for muscles"

chuckles: "also find more stuff to add to Rudd's outfit that makes him look more like like Jotaro"

To practice with your new marker, you try drawing the strange girl from earlier. You THINK this is what she looked like...?

It worked! She came to life. Though was she ever really dead to begin with? Oh well. And uh... she has a robotic arm. Weird. You guess the marker is picky when it comes to deciphering what you draw. It must have interpreted her stripey arm thingy for a cyborg arm. You think it looks cool, so who cares.

"Taem ym taeb. Olleh.", she says. Huh. You don't understand, maybe you fucked up drawing her vocal cords or something...

It's about time you got serious. You decide that if you're going to be doing some epic dungeon crawling, you've got to look cool doing it. You cut into your collar and make it stick out. You then unzip your coat. It's a bit colder this way, but who cares, you look good.

You look down at your flabby arms again, and sigh. If only you were muscular. That would complete and perfect the look. But you aren't. You ask for help through prayer, but BEERD shoots down your requests. BEERD BEEKMAN is VERY STRONG. He takes MUSCLES and STRENGTH very seriously, and sees it as one's personal quest. You guess you'll just have to work for those muscles.

One more thing before you set off... you carefully draw another companion with the marker...

It's been years since you've seen this guy. He was your best friend when you were little... but it's been so long. What was this little weenie dog's name again...?

Spirkiroid: "DOUGLAS"

ADULT_LINK: "HANK DOUGLAS"

Crash10012: "big hank douglas"

CircleHunter: "Big Hank Douglas IV"

ridesthenarwhal: "Lord Big Hank Douglas IV"

chuckles: "Pray to Based God Lil B"

It's LORD BIG HANK DOUGLAS IV, your closest companion!

He immediately takes to you. Wagging ensues.

You then pray to BASED GOD LIL B, unlocking a new god to pray to. This GOD makes you look AWESOME and blesses you with, as they say, 'SWAG'. With a tip of your hat, you immediately feel more confident in your endeavors.

Jeffory: "strut into the next room with utmost SWAG and DEXTERITY"

You strut down the hallway into the next room, feeling full of confidence and spunkyness. You are SO READY for whatever is to come.

What was to come was a bigger room with a ceiling that extends high above your head. There is a huge painting on the wall, and a stand that looks like it was once used for sermons or announcements. The rest of the room is blocked by rubble, though.

From what you can see of the ceiling, though, the room goes pretty far back.

chuckles: "look at painting."

The huge painting extends all the way to the ceiling. On it is depicted a very intimidating and powerful looking man. The caption below reads "God of the Country - Ariesus'. Hoo boy, another God.

You try to pray to this God, but for some reason, you can't yet. Man, you bet he had some kind of amazing awesome power too. You might not ever even get to see it.

chuckles: "Meat me."

ARGdov: "go straight."

You don't know how to TURN PEOPLE into MEAT yet, so you cannot MEAT CHUCKLES! Plus, you haven't even met Chuckles yet.

Also, there is no reason to go straight. You are already straight! Unlike some people.

chuckles: "go through other door"

Through the door is a dark room filled with tables and papers. It looks like it was once some kind of work room, and there is a large map of the Empire on the wall. Also something smells a bit like cherries. It makes Douglas snarl.

ADULT_LINK: "Look at posters and maps, explore room. Also look out cracked window."

CircleHunter: "Inspect the map on the wall."

Dawn Of a New Day: "Take a non-magical pen from the table, then draw on the schedule board: 'FUCKING NOTHING'"

There is a large bulletin board with 'SCHEDULE' written over it. Though it looks like they ran out of those hokey plastic letters, so the rest are just drawn on in markers. Nothing interesting here, just a bunch of old useless bullshit.

The first desk is labelled 'DISCUSSION', and has a large book containing the history of the land. It's ridiculously huge. There's also many papers sprawled out with what looks like theories about ponies, masks, and beards.

The desk in front of that is labelled 'SHITPOSTING'. It's pretty messy, and it looks like someone was doodling with a bunch of crayons. The drawing looks like... you're not sure, and you do not want to know anyways.

The last two desks are labelled 'EMPIRE'. There are papers on the desks relating to pressing issues within the empire. Thrilling questions, such as 'Should we let the Alicorn Kingdom import our Beard Combs?', and 'Priest changes stance on tortoise grooming'. There is also a large calendar. The most important thing on this calendar is PIZZA. You guess there was gonna be a party, but it never happened. That's the saddest thing you've heard all week. You also realize that you're super hungry.

The gaping hole in the window ahead catches your attention. Looks like this place has really gone into ruin. Outside you can see a small balcony, though it's really dark and hard to tell.

A giant map covers the wall to the west. Apparently this is the map of the Empire. Several places of interest are marked on the map. It looks like expeditions were planned to explore the older parts of the land. You feel very left out. Like you missed a giant party or something. Well, this seems more appropriate to the room:

ADULT_LINK: "draw some food with your magic pen."

CircleHunter: "Pray to Cheezus for a meal. It's been too long since your last one."

You pray to Cheezus for food but all you hear in response is a fart sound. You guess you can't depend on the GODS for everything.

You decide to draw your own food instead, but you aren't very good at coming up with stuff. You're mostly good at following instructions instead. You have the ability to draw WHATEVER YOU WANT. The power is completely OVERBEARING. What foods should you draw?

Dawn Of a New Day: "Draw a doubledown."

ADULT_LINK: "Draw a never ending slice of Pizza."

Dawn Of a New Day: "Draw a hot dog and some dog food for your pet. take the giant book about the empire/forum, and put it in your infinitory"

You draw the DOUBLE DOWN, a miraculous SANDWICH with MEAT FOR BUNS. It is the most beautiful thing you've ever seen, and you nearly faint from anticipation.

Next, you try to draw an INFINITE PIZZA. You draw a swirl on the pizza, to try and make some kind of never ending complex quadratic polynomial of a pizza.

It doesn't work though. And besides, drawing swirls probably isn't the best of ideas. It still looks delicious though, and the middle of the pizza is about the perfect size for Mini-Crash.

You then draw a hotdog, of course. It's been a while since you've had a weenie that's actually cooked, so you're pretty excited. You make up some food for Douglas too.

You need to clear off some space for the food, so you add the book to your infinitory.

You then have a good time at the pizza party with your new friends.

chuckles: "draw Lanky Kong with magic marker"

You think it'd be funny to draw a silly looking monkey on the wall. You do so, but it begins to glow...

The glowing intensifies, until it is too much to handle. A figure is coming out of the wall...

The figure... disappears. You feel a strange power surging inside you, though...

LANKY KONG has been added to your GOD REPERTOIRE. When you pray to him, HE may EXTEND YOUR ARMS and allow you to do HANDSTANDS.

Spirkiroid: "Use Lanky powers to extend your arms to see what's past the rubble in the other room"

You go back into the large room, and get ready to try out your new powers. You pray to LANKY KONG.

A white, holy light surrounds your arms. They feel warm, and begin to grow.

Your arms are now MASSIVE. They are made of pure energy, and they let you get enough ground to look across the room.

The room goes a ways back. Near the door, which you assume is the entrance, is what looks like a pedestal. It looks like a large statue used to sit atop it. There are also four other doorways. Coming out of two of them are BEASTS. It doesn't look like they have noticed you, though.

ADULT_LINK: "DRAW THE MASTER SWORD BUT MADE OF MEAT AS A WEAPON."

You draw a mighty weapon on the wall to take care of these beasts...

BEHOLD. The MASTER SWORD. Sorta. Since the STEAKS are getting higher, you put the SALAMI SLAMINI in your INFINITORY and equip this new MASTER SWORD, to RIB the monsters a NEW ONE. You can feel the noble knight's LOIN HEART stirring deep within.

The new weapon boosts your attack up to 53, and your holiness by 102.

Dawn Of a New Day: "Go into the room to the left."

ARGdov: "stab the first beast in the chest. Then throw a pony using pony toss to stun the other before you kill it."

You go into the room to the left.

And you cannot do all those other things, because you have no pony to toss at the moment!

chuckles: "grab pony on table and do those other things."

ARGdov: "stab the first beast in the chest. Then throw a pony using pony toss to stun the other before you kill it."

You decide it's now or never. You slowly grab the pony off the table.

Using your LANKY KONG powers, you extend your arms to fling yourself over the rubble.

The first beast stands before you. It's mostly head, with a few arms sticking out from underneath. It looks like it has collapsed on itself. Seems easy enough, but there's no way for you to hit it's chest... You decide to attack the weakest point you can find.

You plunge your sword through its eye, and don't stop going until you can feel it pierce the brain. The beast stops moving, and is dead.

The beast across the room takes notice of you!

You're prepared, though. You TOSS the EARTH PONY DOLL...

It hits the beast right in the face! Since it's an EARTH PONY, the beast temporarily gets knocked back, just enough time for you to attack!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAA", you yell as you charge forward.

SHWING.

The sword makes a clean cut straight through the beast's neck.

...uck. Black liquid starts spewing from the beast's open neck. Gross.

It falls over limp shortly after.

Well... you're actually surprised you managed to pull all that off.

Spirkiroid: "do a victory dance, toss hat up in celebration and catch it"

CircleHunter: "Draw a torch to brighten up the path."

You all partake in a victory dance. It looks completely stupid, but you don't even care right now.

It's still pretty dark in here, though...

You decide to draw a torch to light the way.

There is a large hallway before you, but there are also several other doorways you could go through in this large room.

Dawn Of a New Day: "Play "eenie meenie miney moe" to figure out which doorway to go through next."

"Eenie, weenie, whiney, woe...", you say, to pick which way to go.

You end up in the room directly SOUTH of the room where you had your pizza party. In the back of this room is a bunch of those SUCKING PIPE THINGS that you put mail into to deliver it across the building. On the table are capsules for mail, and various papers. Also two dynamites.

Dawn Of a New Day: "Take one dynamite, then write "ur a gaffot" on the other, light it by drawing fire on the fuse with your magic pen, and send it to wherever with those tubes."

chuckles: "Think about your dad"

Spirkiroid: "What does your dad look like?"

You write 'UR A GAFFOT' on a dynamite. You don't know what it means, but it seems like a fitting insult for those beasts. Hopefully this dynamite will take out some.

You draw a flame on the dynamite, and wick starts burning.

The dynamite slides through one of the pipes to who knows where.

You hear a satisfying 'BOOM' from above, as the whole castle shakes a little bit.

Feeling those tremors though reminds you of your childhood a bit. Specifically a moment with your dad.

It's been a long time since you've seen him. He was a very large and intimidating man, and his love for meat met no bounds. You spent many evenings outside, watching him cook. He was a very strange man too, now that you think of it. You enjoyed every moment you could with him, because most of the time he was either off on very important business constructing grills, or in jail. He had a bit of a temper.

The smell of burning meat, though. It would always make him smile.

Spirkiroid: "check out that dildo poster"

Jeffory: "pray to your dad"

You cannot pray to your dad because your dad is not a god, and he probably never, ever, ever will be. Maybe.

There's a huge poster on the wall that demands workers to not send dildos through the pipes. Man, what kind of chucklefucks worked here? Though the comical possibilities are enticing...

Upon further inspection, the 'O' in 'DILDOS' seems to be a small door...

The small opening leads to a long drop off into a funace far below. You assume that occupants that lived in the castle were urged to rid themselves of their dildos and sacrifice them to the hungry furnace below.

Such a waste. It makes you cry a little.

chuckles: "use lanky's powers and reach in to see if you can salvage any dildos"

Dawn Of a New Day: "Light the other dynamite, and put it in the hole. What kind of fuckhead burns dildos?"

You PRAY TO LANKY KONG to EXTEND YOUR ARMS so that you can SEARCH FOR SALVAGED DILDOS in the CASTLE'S FURNACE.

Alas, there are NO DILDOS. There is only ash. Useless dirt, yearning for what could have been.

Enraged, you light the last dynamite and throw it in the furnace. That will show them...

The ground shakes again, as fire spews up from underneath. "Ehhehhehheheh", you say.

Douglas and Mini-Crash are very confused.

Dawn Of a New Day: "tell Douglas and Mini-Crash that You are 'simply doing GOD'S WORK.'"

Your companions look concerned.

"Don't worry guys. I know what I'm doing" you lie.

"I'm doing god's work," you say.

They just shrug and go along with it.

chuckles: "go to the room across the hall"

The room across the hallway is a huge mess hall. There are still many plates and goblets left on the tables. A large painting of BEERD BEEKMAN watches over the empty seats.

Dawn Of a New Day: "Examine the large painting of Beerd, wishing you could carry it with you."

The large painting of BEERD is simply exquisite. BEERD is depicted above an ocean, manifesting from clouds. You could stare at it for hours. And you do. Your companions begin to complain, but then they get transfixed on the painting as well. You wish you could take it with you, but it is huge. Like, 30 fucking times your size. At least it will always be in this room, untouched, waiting for you. Much like how BEERD waits for all of us.

Jeffory: "Gaze at/out the window(?) on the far right wall."

ADULT_LINK: "Search the table for a spork, because nobody knows when a spork will be needed, and sporks are cool."

Outside the window you can see a courtyard that wraps around the castle. Beyond it is a high castle wall. There is small foliage dotted around here and there. There is also a large statue of Emperor Spanosa, who is looking rather handsome right now. To the right of that is a fence closing off something. It looks like something was being built recently. Well, as recently as you can get around here.

You also find a spork. You add the spork to your infinitory. Because you love sporks.

Jeffory: "beat your meat to the image of emperor span. also wonder where the fuck that deer went"

You beat your weenie against the window while looking at the statue for a while. It is very therapeutic.

Also, you are quite sure you've never seen a deer here in your life. Though old traces and clues around the statue look like an ancient battle took place here between the Emperor and one. If only you were around to witness such a battle.

Jeffory: "use your weenie to break the window"

CircleHunter: "Ask Mini-Crash which weenie you should break said window with."

You consult Mini-Crash on what weenie you should choose to knock down the window.

"Hcnup a etiuq skcap htiw em tih uoy eno eht, llew," she says, full of sass.

Damn mini-crash and her damn grudges.

You apologize halfheartedly, and try the Salami Slamini on the window.

This window must be made of diamonds or some shit, cause even the Salami Slamini won't bring it down. You try everything in your posession, the Brottknocker, the Meater Sword, and even the spork. This window is never, ever, ever coming down. Maybe.

Spirkiroid: "Check out the room at the south of the hall"

Going through the southern door in the main hall leads you outside, into the Courtyard. A large wall extends all the way around the courtyard. You look to your right.

There is a large statue of something called BLOBFISH. You think it looks dumb, in a cute way. A breezeway/hallway is next to it. There are four doors that lead to what seem to be various offices, and a fifth door at the end.

To your left is the outer wall of the Mess Hall. There is the end of the fence from earlier... it looks like it was blocking off a large metal door on the ground.

Dawn Of a New Day: "Examine all four offices."

Crash10012: "bust a nut on the blobfish statue"

chuckles: "Tell crash her waifu a shit."

Crash10012: "create chuckles with the magic pen and tell him his waifu is shittier"

Jeffory: "draw jeff and have the entire party tell him how shit his waifu is"

You pick up a nut off the ground out from underneath one of the courtyard trees.

You smash the nut against the statue of BLOBFISH until the shell busts. The new, tasty, de-shelled nut is added to your infinitory.

There are quite a few new rooms to explore. You guess you'd better check them all.

Above the first door is a label that reads 'NIV-MIZZET - SPACE MARINES'. Huh, you didn't know this old Empire had a space marine department.

Inside is an old room. From the looks of it, this place was abandoned even before the whole kingdom went to shit. There are a few LARGE GUNS lying around, and a monitor showing a live feed of the exoatmosphere. You guess there used to be some kind of fleet or station there, but it's long gone now.

The next door is labeled 'WOLFCAT - PONY REGULATIONS'. Goddamn, more fucking ponies.

This room has a large pile of plushies against the wall, and a map of part of the Empire. It is labeled "PONY SANCTUARY". Apparently ponies played a large cultural role in this society, for whatever reason.

The next room is labeled 'KIDPICHU - COVERT OP'. You guess this room belonged to some kind of secret agent or something. There must be a shitload of awesome gadgets inside.

Inside are... even more ponies and plushies. You don't know what you expected. You guess you'll just have to accept that your life from now on will be full of these cursed ponies now that you're associated with this freakish universe.

The last door is labeled 'CHUCKLES - ROYAL GUARD'. Okay, there's GOT to be some kind of useful things in here.

Inside is a strange, shivering man surrounded by muscly plushies and cardboard cutouts. He yelps when he sees you.

IT IS NONE OTHER THAN CHUCKLES. He seems to be in a state of insanity. Or maybe not. It's honestly hard to tell. The poor guy must have had it tough trying to survive in this decrepit castle, surrounded by beasts. You try to calm him.

"Uh, hey... what is up, bro?" you say. You never were good at talking.

"goddamn, weenieboy," he spits.

Mini-Crash speaks up. "Ftw, uoy taht si selkcuhc,"

"UGH"

"WHAT ARE YOU"

"ELDRICH ABOMINATION ROBO MINI CRASH OR SOMETHING?"

"Adnik, aey"

"that's fucked up. you fucked up weenie boy. though honestly I'd say it's an improvement over the original."

"Whyd you remake crash."

"I was lonely :c," you say.

"wait"

"is Crash your waifu."

"What's a waifu"

"I just smacked her with my big weenie after she came in my room"

"christ"

"your waifu sucks man"

"waifus are what make the world go round"

"they show one's inner desires and bring out your true self"

"Crash's waifu sucks tho"

"the same holds tru for weird tiny crash"

"Uoy si. Ufiaw ykcus eht htiw eno eht,"

You are still so very confused.

"hey guys whats up, i heard an explosion and lol i didn't know anyone else was here."

"fuck off jeff you have the shittiest taste out of all of us"

"Oaml ffej ffo kcuf haey,"

The debate seems to last for hours.

chuckles: "ask what happened to the land of Within Hubris"

Dawn Of a New Day: "Before you ask them, tell them all you beat the piss out of Moogen and stole his jacket."

Jeffory: "boop weenies with your new compatriots."

What a bunch of cocks. For saving their world, they're being pretty ungrateful towards you. Why should you save this world? Everyone has been very rude to you, and you know literally nothing about it.

"ENOUGH," you yell.

"I've HAD IT WITH THIS NONSENSE. I love nonsense. But this is ridiculous. I've worked my ass off today, fighting weird beasts, wandering a freezing cold castle, and beating up nerds in black coats! It's time I got a little respect around here. I want to know why I'M the one doing all this for you guys."

"Wait did you beat the shit out of mugen?"

Their eyes light up.

"Yeah. I showed him who's the fucking boss around here,"

They're both looking at you in awe, and suddenly start falling for you.

"Okay"

"Anyone who physically assaults mugen is ok in my book"

"Look will you at least tell me a bit about this place?"

"Alright"

"I don't know much because I've been trapped in a castle for a long time"

"But I know how this shithole got started"

"Long ago there was an evil ghost thing named BEN"

"This thing was going to destroy the entire universe and all the other ones too"

"Everyone in this universe had been fighting against it for as long as we can remember"

"Our fight had been led by some scrub named Jadusable"

"Everyone hated him but he's the one that brought us all together in the first place"

"He founded this empire as a final place to finish the fight with BEN"

"Before BEN could be killed tho, Jad left"

"Everyone was confused and pissed cause weve been fighting the fucker for ages"

"Despite that tho theres been like no attacks from BEN since jad left"

"Most think hes sealed deep within the planet or something"

"Without purpose people slowly started to leave"

"The thoughtful theorizing and planning was replaced with ponies and bullshit"

"Youd think that without a huge evil ghost man people would be happy"

"But who knows maybe we need BEN then"

"The monsters and constant night outside though, thats new"

"This whole place is slowly dying, and not just cause people left"

"People thought BEN was escaping, so they jumped ship"

"They scattered across different universes, most of them going to yours"

"Why youre the one that has to fix our shit? I dunno bad luck I guess"

Its a lot to take in. Weird ghosts and shit. You think its a bit much for you to handle.

You talk about other shit for a while, also while bumping weenies. It's nice to finally have some company. Thats not a fairy thing or a dog.

Jeffory: "hire Jeffory as your roadie and official fanboy"

ARGdov: "Ask about Moogen, his machine, and it's connection to the weenie factory."

CircleHunter: "Ask about the empire and the rest of the abandoned staff rooms, and specifically that Wolfcat guy."

chuckles: "ask how to make skyrim work with requiem"

Crash10012: "very loudly shout "span's gay""

Jeffory: "ask what happened to the moose"

Dawn Of a New Day: "Pray to Beerd and ask him to show himself in front of these weird-ass motherfuckers."

[$]Rudd: Inquire

Flash - Click to start

What's Jeff's deal?

Jeffory has been staring at you this entire time. He's breathing awfully heavily too... He asks to be your roadie, but you dunno... You tell him you've already got enough company for the moment. He looks crestfallen. You tell him he can still be your number one fan, though. This perks him up a bit, and he gives a smug look to everyone else in the room.

The factory and Mugen?

You ask about how the factory and Mugen play into all this. They tell you that from the start, Mugen was intent on saving Hubris all on his own. When Hubris started to die, nearly everyone moved over to your universe. Mugen did as well, but he took special interest in you. It kind of freaks you out too.

Mugen did have a hand in saving the people of Hubris, they admit begrudgingly. His machine can travel through space, time, and universes. The only other way to travel in such a way would be magic, which probably no one has, ever.

How to Skyrim w/ Requiem?

You ask them how to make Skyrim work with Requiem. They look confused. They don't know what the fuck you're talking about. You don't know what the fuck you're talking about. No one knows what you are even talking about.

You suddenly scream at the top of your lungs, "SPAN IS GAY."

They just chuckle and say "ahahaha right on man, this dude is pretty cool,"

Apparently Span is gay.

Guy's where's the moose?

You ask them where the moose went. They are confused. You are confused. Everyone is confused ect ect. Chuckles finally says "up ur mum's butt", a single tear slides down your cheek.

BEERD... PLS SHOW YASELF

You pray to Beerd to reveal himself to these foolish mortals, partly to renew their faith, mostly to show off. He does not answer though. Either he does not want to waste his time, or something wicked is preventing him from revealing his mortal form for now.

What are these rooms...?

You ask about these offices. They tell you that these were just used for the official members of the Empire to stay in while on the clock. You ask about that Wolfcat guy. They say he was in charge of deciding where the ponies could be hunted or something. Apparently he became very devout in Beerd before the fall.

Jeffory: "Ask the cacs if they know the sun "

Jeffory: "WC: Retroactively give Dawn an introduction slide"

Jeffory: "Yell "PRAISE BE TO BEERD" at the top of your lungs"

Dawn Of a New Day: "Ask if there's anything you could do to help. A quest, maybe."

You ask them if they know about the sun.

"Oh yeah. He's a cac.", says Chuckles.

"Uh, anything else?"

"Nah he's a huge cock. But we love him <3"

You ask how he just did a heart emote irl. He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.

"Yea he's a huge talking sun, but sometimes he's just a normal sized talking person. He had is own cult or something called the Sun Children. Even had their own island next to the Empire. Bunch of weirdos if you ask me."

"Can't he just like kill the BOB ghost thing?", you ask.

"BEN isn't tangible, Dawn couldn't do shit to him 'cept piss Sunny D in his mouth."

"Actually, you know what. That's not a bad idea. We gotta keep that one as backup."

"That sounds awesome and all, but is there like anything we can do right now," you're itching for adventure.

"Uh, maybe,", Jeffory says.

""There was once a guy in the Empire named Soul Limiter. He was the official Disaster Tracker."

""He'd be able to sense when some shit would go down, like an earthquake or tornado."

""Unfortunately, he left the Empire long before it went to shit like it is now. He had a room here. There might be some useful swag in there. It's on the second floor."

You say aight and you all yell out your praises to Beerd for good fortune and blessings.

ARGdov: "Ask for directions on how to get to the 2nd floor, and a someone to act as your companion and sidekick."

So, you're about to embark on a pretty big quest... You think back to those beasts you fought earlier. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea after all to have another companion. You know, one that actually might have some use in combat.

You ask, "So, who want's to be my sid-" "OH, ME. ME."

Jeffory can hardly contain himself, he's literally bouncing up and down. You let him be your sidekick for a while, since clearly Chuckles does not care at all. Jeffory lets out some kind of horrific squee noise, and bounces over next to you. You like his enthusiasm, you guess. You ask him how to get to the second floor, and he says there's a stairwell right down at the west end of the hallway.

Dawn Of a New Day: "Before you leave, steal a pony from Wolf's room, and steal a weapon from the SPAEC MEHREEN room."

With your new comrade, you go back to the previous rooms to stock up on some stuff. You grab a BIG FUCKING GUN from Niv's room, and a PEGASUS DOLL from Wolf's.

"Huh... I didn't know... you were into ponies," Jeffory says.

"I'm not. But I can throw them at stuff. I'm pretty good at it, it's how I totally kicked Mugen's ass," you say.

"But why are these things all over the place.?"

"They were our national animal. These ponies took up fields and fields, where they roamed and shared cupcakes and other fluffy stuff. Some loved them, others hated them. What's your take on them?"

"Eh, they're alright? I mean, they're ok. But I don't really see what the big deal is,"

"You didn't have any ponies where you're from?"

"Not any magical sentient ones that made cupcakes or anything."

"At least not from what I can remember. Eheheheh, it's been 10 years since I've been around any wildlife at all."

"wtf have you been all that time?"

"Well when I was nine I got sent off to work at a weenie factory. It was kinda cool at first, but I didn't really know how to leave... and it was kinda like a prison? It's weird. My dad seemed to think it was a good idea, though thinking back it's probably not a good idea to have trusted him any."

"Haha... weenies..."

"Oh man, is this where my dynamite hit??"

The rubble is still warm and smoking, it looks like this indeed is where your dynamite from earlier got sent.

There are two other doors in the hallway that are undamaged.

"Who'd this office belong to?"

"ARGdov... and the rest is broken up. Is that... was he the Cock Master? I wouldn't be surprised, this fucking place is weird,"

"I never knew the guy. Probably a total cock master tho."

You are now on the second floor of the Castle.

You rearrange your inventory for good measure, with your new NUT, PEGASUS DOLL, BFG, and SPORK.

You also decide to keep track of your quests on a notebook. MAN you are SO on TOP OF THINGS.

Dawn Of a New Day: "I get the feeling we should ransack Soul Limiter's place for stuff. But I don't know."

CircleHunter: "Do that. As a disaster tracker, he would probably have maps. Look for a detailed map of the castle and other useful equipment in his office."

You think about RANSACKING SOUL LIMITER'S PLACE FOR STUFF. After weighing the consequences of RANSACKING SOUL LIMITER'S PLACE FOR STUFF, you decide it'd be best to RANSACK SOUL LIMITER'S PLACE FOR STUFF.

Luckily his room is right next to you.

You look around but don't find much. Mostly old documents on the drama levels and weather charts. Nothing useful.

You guess its time to stop ignoring the metaphorical elephant in the room and open the not-so-metaphorical chest.

DUN DUN DUN DUUUUUN. You got the NO-LAUDER'S MAP (NLM). This thing isn't just an ordinary map. If you activate it, it will show a current livefeed of the Empire from space. Useful for watching weather or scouting. On the back the name "CircleHunter" is inscribed, with a message below.

"Here you go you lazy shit. Now you don't have to actually work. All the features you requested should be there. -Craftsman CircleHunter"

Soul Limiter: "Paul be taking my stuff, but whatever. It's not like I'm hiding in the corner or anything.."

Soul Limiter: "Go examine and look behind the poster and the map."

ridesthenarwhal: "Sit in the chest!"

It feels like someone...

IS HIDING IN THE CORNER!

Or not.

After uh, scouting the room and making sure its safe, you sit down in the chest to 'collect your thoughts' (you actually just think it sounds fun). Your friends join you.

BEEP BEEP. WHAT'S INSIDE THE IDIOT CHEST?

DUN DUN DUN DUUUUN. It's two dongles, a weenie, and a fuckboy. Just what we need.

You snoop around the room a little bit more after feeling refreshed and a bit ashamed. Behind the poster you find an old mechanism on the wall. It shows the current DRAMA level of the castle, which stands at 27% as of right now. Jeffory explains to you that DRAMA is the essence that fuels Hubris. Without it, none of their machines would work, and things would be thrown into chaos. In the center of the DRAMAMETER is an emergency button. Jeff says he doesn't know exactly what it does, only that it brings out some kind of reserve to boost the drama levels.

Soul Limiter: "Push the button. Nothing bad can happen with an immediate influx of drama.. right?"

Dawn Of a New Day: "Afterwards, use the spork to unscrew the metal plate and see what's inside the drama meter."

Jeffory: "dive back into the chest and close the lid once you press the button, it will probably protect you from the ensuing DRAMA STORM"

The power/drama levels of the castle are pretty low, might as well try and raise them, even though you don't know what will even happen.

You all hide out in the chest for safety, and watch closely.

You peek out of the lid, nothing is happening yet. All you can hear is Douglas's panting. Wait, no... that's Jeffory's.

A 'ZAP' sounds, as something materializes in the middle of the room. You think it might be a beast or something at first, or maybe the emergency mechanism was more dangerous than you thought. Quickly, you all duck back in the chest.

The thing is walking around the room from what you can hear.

Jeffory whispers in your ear, "psssst. Paul. I got your back. If things get rough. I'll be there for you dude."

You just gulp. You're definitely doomed.

"There you are."

"Identifying. Subject Unknown. Subject Jeffory. Subject Unknown. Subject Unknown."

"YK-BOT Identification: 2000. Beginning Drama Reserve Refilling Sequence."

"Uh, YK-Bot...?" you ask.

"Begin Subject Info Dump? y/n"

"Why en?"

"Beginning Subject Info Dump. Thank you for purchasing your brand new YK-BOT!"

"YK-BOT is guaranteed to provide Drama Refilling Services whenever you desire."

"Your YK-BOT is powered by Liquid Drama Vials held in the back compartment."

"Due to the nature of YK-BOT, it is a self powered generating machine!"

"Enter your Name, Interests, and Dislikes into the connected server for maximum output."

"Warning: Do Not Yiff The Generator."

"....."

"Begin Drama Reserve Refilling Sequence?"

"...pssst. Jeffory, what the fuck is up with this thing?"

"I had no idea the castle was outfitted with these things! Just like it said, it's a drama generator. It's based after an infamous troll named YoyoKirby! Only the richest peoples of Hubris get to have their own generator... I'm a bit jealous myself."

"Begin Drama Reserve Refilling Sequence?"

"Uh, y-yeah!"

"Error: Unknown Subject. Enter Name."

"Paul Rudd."

"Enter Interest."

"Weenies."

"Enter Dislikes."

"Vegetarians."

"Sufficient Subject Data. Beginning Drama Reserve Refilling Sequence."

"Paul. Did you hear about the latest Meyer Sausage Convention?"

"No... I don't-"

"God it was shit. You should'a seen what the weenie fans were doing to the 40m Loin Man Statue."

"Not surprisingly, they tried to fuck it. Then one of them took a shit in the Loin Lounge, causing the poor staff to work well into midnight."

"lmao just like some weenie-enthusiasts to screw over everyone else. What a disappointment they must be to their fathers."

"Then one of them nearly fell off the Baloney Balcony. I don't know how you missed it, it was all over the news."

"It took them over 3 hours to finally get his fatass down. I'd kick his gullet off the roof if I were there. "

("Pff, look at this guy. What, does he think I'm some kind of amateur? I'm not gonna fall for this sh-")

"DON'T TALK SHIT ABOUT MEAT OR OUR RACE. MEATLOVERS ARE A PROUD COMMUNITY OF PROFOUND MINDS. WITHOUT US, THE WORLD WOULD BE TRASH. WITHOUT OUR WILLPOWER, THE CITIES WOULD FALL, LIKE A PILE OF LEAVES. DO YOU THINK VEGETARIANS COULD HAVE CREATED SUCH MODERN MIRACLES AS THE MEATCOPTOR OR THE STEAK-IN-STATE-AT-STAKE? HAH. I THINK NOT."

You continue to go on a spontaneous rage for well over 20 minutes.

"I think that will be sufficient. Thank you for your continued services."

"ERROR: Return point not found. Activate Idle Mode."

The YK-BOT vanishes.

...as does your rage.

"...wait, where was I?"

You look around, and Jeffory and the others look pale. You ask them what's wrong, and they just shake their heads.

"Oh, look. The Drama shot up to 76%! Man, that robot knows how it's done."

The others still look very concerned.

You decide to screw off the panel by using your SPORK. Below you find some nerdy mechanical stuff, and a small vial nearly full of black liquid. You ask Jeffory what it is.

"O-oh, that's Liquid Drama. Y-you can pour it on stuff and s-stuff might happen. Eheh."

"Uh what's your deal?"

"Me? N-nothing. Uh, loli's like that bot creep me out is all. Y-yeah. (I DIDN'T KNOW I TEAMED UP WITH A FUCKING BESERKER)"

You add the VIAL OF LIQUID DRAMA to your INFINITORY.

Dawn Of a New Day: "I think we should continue on to the next room."

Soul Limiter: "Check Infinitory."

CircleHunter: "Go to the next room."

chuckles: "use lanky arms to reach back to whatever room chuckles is in and slap him"

ARGdov: "I also think we should move to the next room."

You INFINITORY is getting TOO FULL with SHIT so now it has it's own SCREEN.

It currently contains:

• Weenees Poster
• Bionic Brottknocker
• Actual Magic Marker
• Hubris History Book
• Big Fucking Gun
• Salami Slamini
• Nut
• Spork
• Pegasus Doll
• No-Lauders Map
• Liquid Drama Vial (76%)

But before you go...

Swiggity Swoogity

The next room over is... the High Priest's room. This is where the treasure is supposed to be.

Inside you see tons of RELIGIOUS ARTIFACTS, including BEERD'S FOUR REVELATIONS, the VEIL OF BEERD, and a PERSONAL PHOTO OF ARIESUS. There is also a DIARY that belongs to Zelenal sitting on the table. Next to all that shit is also a large STONE CHEST.

Dawn Of a New Day: "I ran out of toilet paper. You mind doing a bro a solid and handing me that diary?"

Jeffory: "Move the religious Artifacts to the table to make it a makeshift altar, then pray to beerd before it. Get Jeffory to help you do so, as a Knight of the Golden Ass he has ideal praying stats."

Jeffory: "Also open the chest."

chuckles: "look for Zelenal's stories"

chuckles: "also look for his link costume and have Jeff wear it"

You read through some of his diary.

"Dear Diary... Some of the higher ups decided to take it upon themselves to break into my personal chest... Apparently they do not trust their very own High Priest enough to hold the artifact, stating that my "lack of care" for it was a threat to national security. As if anyone would ever go through my chest, it was the most secure treasure in Hubris. They tried to wave it off with "It was the will of Beerd", or some other garbage. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep up this charade of praising that fool... Another incident like this and... I think I might just step back into Equestria for good."

You can't stand to read anymore of this blasphemous garbage.

"Paul."

"WWHAT?"

"Paul quick. I need some paper. I gotta take a space shit."

You give the diary to the friendly sun.

"Thanks bro."

You can't imagine how that would be enough paper. Then again, you can't imagine how a sun even shits in the first place. You try not to think about it.

After reading that heretical trash, you feel dirty. To rectify this, you and Jeffory erect a holy alter on the desk of the damned. Jeffory draws a crude picture of Beerd.

Some hardcore praising takes place. Jeffory gets really passionate about it, you can't help but applaud his loyalty. Somewhere, from up above, Beerd smiles.

You look inside the chest. Inside is a STACK OF FANFICS, a LINK COSPLAY, a UNICORN DOLL, a QUILL, and a MEMO.

You decide to read some of the fanfic with the "RQ" on the cover.

Ugh, it's just more ponies, but in written form. The one country one sounds kinda hot though. You really got a thirst for country girls, you can't deny it. Everyone around you notices you daydreaming about country girls.

"Uh, I'm just thinking about Beerd," you say. They seem to buy it. You wonder if Beerd has a country accent...

You quickly throw the fanfic through the hole in the ceiling and Dawn catches it. It just felt like the right thing to do.

You decide to read the memo in the chest.

"Due to insufficient precautionary procedures and lack of professionalism, the mask placed under your care has been moved to the castle basement. You are hereby stripped of your "Imperial Treasurer" title.

PS. Don't put an ancient artifact next to your cosplay and fanfics man, come on."

Well, no treasure here. But you found something perhaps more valuable... You quickly make Jeffory put on the Link cosplay. He's pretty excited himself.

You tell him it looks good. It doesn't. He knows it doesn't. You know it doesn't. Everyone knows it doesn't. He still goes along with it though. You guess he must be a big fan of this Link guy.

Jeffory: "throw the memo up to dawn. Then take the quill and doll"

chuckles: "draw the qt country girl of Paul's dreams with the magic marker."

Failing to resist the urges, you begin to draw out the girl of your dreams. You also draw her with a thick country accent. How did you draw that into her? Well, why don't you stop asking so many questions? How about that? Huh? You give her some thick, red, curly hair too. Though you can't draw colors with just a marker, you still manage to pull it off with the power of love thirst.

You now have a qt3.14 country girl to accompany you. Your other companions give you a concerned look. Mini Crash just looks pissed. Uh...

"HEY. LOOK. A SUN," you say, trying to distract them from your heinous ways. You throw the MEMO up to Dawn.

3/1000 PAPERS SACRIFICED TO THE SUN.

You also steal the UNICORN DOLL and the QUILL, cause shit's ripe for the taking.

Jeffory: "pray to brotherman bill"

Dawn Of a New Day: "Pray to Fuccboi Fill."

Crash10012: "sacrifice girl of your dreams to beerd"

Well this is awkward. Fuck it. You're the leader of these shenanigans, you're the one with the magical pen. If you want to draw a hot country babe, then you're damn well going to. You're sure the rest will warm up to the idea.

A whooshing sound comes from behind you. On the wall, you see a message you're quite sure wasn't there before, commanding you to summon two Gods. Well, why not. More Gods more better right?

You summon BROTHERMAN BILL who has looks that KILL.

You also summon FUCCBOI FILL who is the opposite of BILL.

These powerful beings seem to be evenly matched, though each flowing with a completely opposite energy source. Surely a little bit of BROTHERMAN BILL resides in all of us.

The two are slowly being attacted to one another, until they collide at high speeds! Light fills the room.

A small orb appears on the floor, the energy of two Gods flowing within. It feels warm to the touch. You add it to your Infinitory.

You briefly consider sacrificing your new gf to BEERD, but... you just can't do it. You're only human. Forgive me, Beerd. She has a cute face.

CircleHunter: "Ask your girlfriend what her name is."

Dawn Of a New Day: "Tell your girlfriend her name is now Coc."

Crash10012: "draw beerd with the magic marker"

Jeffory: "draw a waifu for each of your traveling companions. That way they don't have to fight over yours."

You attempt to draw BEERD BEEKMAN. Surely if he were here to help you in person, you'd have no troubles.

An immense light shoots from the picture, then dissipates. You guess this world just isn't ready for Beerd in the flesh. It might never be. Praise be thy Beerd.

Oh yeah. You forgot that you don't even know the name of the girl that you're deeply truly totally in love with. You ask her what it is. She says it's "Rosey"

You think its cute, but it doesn't really fit with the whole 'rough and tough' vibe of your group of rambunctious cronies. You decide to name her 'COC'. It stands for CRONY OF CUTENESS.

Everyone around you groans. You're starting to think that they're getting fed up with your cutesy shenanigans.

To keep everyone happy, you offer to draw waifus for all of them. Well, not Douglas. You don't think you can support all the puppies that will inevitably come from that. Mini Crash declines the offer, looking all pouty. You don't know what her deal is, but you tell her she'd better watch that badittude.

You guess you just can draw Jeffory a wife. You are in the middle of this magnificent portrait, when your ACTUAL MAGIC MARKER finally runs out of ink. Welp. You guess this thing wasn't meant to draw full body pictures of shit. At least not this many.

Jeffory shrugs and takes what he can gets. He makes out with the wall his waifu for a few minutes.

Jeffory: "tell jeffory his waifu is the shittiest. also pray to beerd for new marker. preferably one of those scented ones. weenie scented. mm."

Cheezus: "I'll give Jeff his waifu. he's a good kid and he deserves it lol"

You pray to Beerd for a new marker.

A man on a couch appears. A man you feel you can trust. Oh wait. It's just the cat fairy guide thing again.

You wake him up.

"GAH, o-oh Paul."

"I need a new marker this one is shit outta ink."

"W...wait what? Oh. You're still in the first dungeon? "

"What have you been using the marker on so much...?"

He's obviously still half asleep.

"Oh.... Oh."

"Okay... Paul did you... did you draw yourself friends?"

"Yeah! A cute girlfriend too," you say proudly.

"Ugh Paul. This is so.... sad."

He rubs his temples, which you don't even know why he's doing it cause he has a cat mask on.

"Okay, look."

"Don't draw anymore living things alright?"

"Uh... but I guess you can't anyways cause you don't have anymore ink right now?"

"So... yeah, nevermind that. But still don't do it anyway even if you could."

"That marker is one of a kind, there's no more like it. I'll work on getting you some more ink."

"It'll take a while, but I'll be back soonish. Just uh... have fun with your new friends in the mean time."

"Oh, and don't forget about that treasure hidden here in the Castle too. Alright. Later."

He quickly disappears. What a freak.

Anyways, it looks like some kind of divine activities are taking place in the room.

The whole place fills with light... it appears that Cheezus has taken sympathy on Jeffory.

Jeffory has been blessed with the HOLY WAIFU.

Oh Cheezus. You divine prankster you.

Jeffory doesn't see it as a prank though, he's eternally grateful.

He thanks Cheezus and sings more praises.

Jeffory: "advance the plot"

Crash10012: "then derail it"

Dawn Of a New Day: "Derail the plot, then advance it."

Crash10012: "then derail it some more"

ADULT_LINK: "nonono, Advance the plot BY derailing it"

Crash10012: "and then derail it by advancing it"

In an effort to advance the plot, you all exit the room and hurry to the next one.

You end up in a large hallway. There are more huge paintings of useless shit on the wall, and a door at the end that is adorned with various WARNING labels.

There is a rather large WARNING sign on the wall next to you. You're well equipped for whatever dangers may lie ahead though.

The door is locked, but it's nothing your old BROTTKNOCKER can't handle. You heard Span was a weenie anyways.

Before you is a large LABORATORY. There are some large MONITERS on the wall, and various BUTTONS throughout the room. A huge vat full of orange liquid is in the back as well.

"What even is this stuff."

"Oh! It's Sunny D," Jeffory says.

He seems pretty excited over it.

"Sunny D was our National Drink. It's sold in every bar, cafe, and vending machine."

"Lots of people like to mix it with alcohol too."

"Your national drink was... orange juice?" You're not impressed.

"Orang- what? Paul have you never had Sunny D before?"

"Here, get some out of that nozzle."

You try some SUNNY D for the first time.

IT'S..... okay.

"It's.... okay."

"Well this stuff probably isn't fresh. You'd love it fresh man," Jeff says guzzling it down.

"So. It's the national drink? How'd that even happen?"

"Dawn did it. You know, the Sun? He loves the stuff. He even tried to get all of our water supplies replaced with it. Water fountains, tap water, you name it. Uh, that bill never got passed though."

This whole place sounds so stupid to you.

"Some say that he produces the stuff. Like it's his urine or something, and he's trying to scam everyone. People argued over that for weeks, heh."

"I kinda miss all the dumb stuff that went on here..."

"That kind of stuff was natural?"

"Oh yeah. Idiotic stuff happened like everyday here. After awhile it really doesn't seem that strange, it's just life."

"Uh, so things weren't so dumb from your place?"

"Nah, just boring. Monotonous. I can't really remember much about it when it was normal."

"Honestly this is the most fun I've been having in years!"

"Me too!"

He squeezes his HOLY WAIFU. You are a bit uncomfortable.

Suddenly his eyes light up.

"Oh! You totally should stay here?"

"Uh, in the castle?"

"No! I mean, like, in this world! After all this is done and stuff."

"Being trapped in a meat factory for years must suck... and, lots of people here already think you're awesome!"

"You could crash at my place! We'd be roomies and stuff!"

He sure seems excited about this.

"...Maybe. I never really thought about leaving the factory. But... yeah actually."

"I think living here would be nice."

Your hat begins to feel a little hot.

"Yeah! It'll be great for you, you'll see."

"Oh, and the rest of you guys too. You don't really have homes... right?"

"Ton yhw. Erus."

"Psst... Paul?"

"What."

"Why does Mini Crash sound like that?"

"She can speak backwards."

"Gniyas er'uoy tahw raeh nac i. Em ot txen thgir er'uoy ffej."

"Oh, uh... sorry."

"I do'n much understand what she's sayin' real well either..." COC says.

"UGH fine."

"I'll speak forwards. Happy?"

"Yeah!"

Mini Crash gives COC a vile look.

"Anyway, uh, Mini Crash. You don't... really act much like actual Crash... do you?"

"'Cause I'm not Actual Crash, I'm Mini Crash."

"Y-yeah... sorry, is that a touchy subject?"

"No. Actual Crash sounds lame."

"Does Actual Crash have a badass robotic arm and the ability to speak backwards? I doubt it."

"No... She does not."

"Yea, see? Best Crash is with all of you."

Douglas barks in agreement.

"Golly, it sounds like I missed so much!"

"I'm still clueless as to everything goin' on..."

"Oh right! We're in a big castle full of monsters, in a dead empire that we're all trying to save."

"Oh. Okay. :)"

She just gives a big grin.

"You... don't feel a bit more concerned? Or afraid?"

"Nah. No's long as my cute stuff is right here."

She then gives you a big hug, your face goes red.

"Ugh... something just isn't right," you think to yourself. You haven't felt a girl hug you though since you were a child, so it's still nice.

"So, COC? What do you... like, like?"

"You of course! :)"

"N-no, uh, I mean like, besides me?"

"What do ya mean, besides you?"

Oh boy. You feel you've made a big mistake.

Everyone else in the room awkwardly shuffles a bit, even Douglas whimpers a little.

You give Douglas a pet, he deserves it.

"Okay. Uh, nothing. We'll just talk about this later, alright?"

"We've got a treasure to find, right everyone?"

They all nod.

"Alright so, let's go."

You accidentally place your DRINK on an elevator control.

Group: Descend.

You all arrive in the CASTLE BASEMENT. There is a long catwalk over what used to be busy labs. At the end of the hallway is a single door. You have a feeling something is behind that door. Because usually things are behind doors. But you don't mean just any something. You mean something big.

CircleHunter: "Walk down the catwalk with the utmost swag and dexterity."

Soul Limiter: "While walking down the swagtastic catwalk, peer over into each of the pits to see what is in them."

You strut down the catwalk onto the next platform, feeling full of confidence and spunkyness. You are SO READY for whatever is to come.

You cease the strutting for a moment to look down below. You can barely make out some old lab equipment, but it doesn't look like there's much else. Mostly darkness.

At the end of the room is a wall with a keyboard on it. It's asking for a password.

ENTER PASSWORD.

Spirkiroid: "enter "moogen is a coc lel""

Dawn Of a New Day: "If that doesn't work, enter using brute force method."

Dawn Of a New Day: "That means use your fists."

You type "moogen is a coc lel" into the keyboard. By some miracle, it works.

The next room is another long hallway with a large window on the wall. In the window, you can see a room where it looks like some kind of giant something was being constructed.

The room at the end of the hallway is very dark and is filled with a mysterious aura. A large pedestal sits in the middle of the room. On top of it is a familiar mask. Not familiar to you, of course, but familiar to the peoples of Hubris.

It's none other than Majora's Mask.

Dawn Of a New Day: "Take that shit and wear it like a hat."

You wear the legendary Mask like a hat, completely missing the point of a mask.

Dawn Of a New Day: "Roll a d20 to see if you sense danger."

You try to roll a D20, but you have no die. Instead, you try and think up a random number from 1-20 in your head. It's proving harder than you thought.

One...? No. 13? 5? Wait, was that even random? No, you saw the number 5 earlier so you just thought of it... 19, nah. 24- wait no. Random number generation is difficult.

Your comrades seem distressed about something. You look back into the hallway from before.

Oh.

A giant metallic pony stands on the other side of a window before you. What will you do?

Mugen Kagemaru: "say "hi wats ur naem""

Dawn Of a New Day: ""You aren't the hardest pony I've ever seen.""

Jeffory: get jeffory to start the music. It's Battle Time!"

chuckles: "use pony toss to suplex the metal pony into oblivion."

chuckles: "also pray to Beerd to lend you some of his strength to help destroy this giant abomination."

Crash10012: "pray for an army of angry bees!!!!!!!"

Oceanstuck: "get the bfg. unload dakka"

P: "Uh, hello...? What's your name?" you ask.

RD: "GREETINGS USER "PAUL RUDD". I AM ROBO-DASH MKII, NATIONAL DEFENSE UNIT."

P: "Oh, s-so you're not going to kill us?"

RD: "NEGATIVE. SUBJECT STATUS CIVILIAN. TARGET STATUS FALSE."

You look back at the other guys and give them a thumbs up, they think you're a dork.

The robot suddenly shakes back and forth violently.

RD: "CRITICAL ERROR. SUBJECT "MAJORA" DISPLACED. ADMIN RETRIEVAL SYSTEM UNINITIATED. BEGINNING MASK SWEEP."

P: "Mask? Oh, you must mean this mask!"

You show off the fancy mask to the giant robotic equine.

It's eyes glow dark red.

"MASK IN POSSESSION OF UNAUTHORIZED SUBJECT CLASS: CIVILIAN."

RD: "PAUL RUDD, PLACE THE MASK ON THE GROUND AND TAKE TEN STEPS BACK WITHIN 60 SECONDS OR BE PURGED."

P: "What? No! I was sent to get this mask by a God! Well, actually by an agent of a God. Anyways, this is holy business here!"

RD: "60."

P: "Listen man, I'm trying to save your stupid kingdom! This mask is vital! I guess... I dunno, I think it kinda smells, is it reallly that special?"

RD: "50."

P: "But look, you're pretty cool alright, definitely the coolest pony thing I've seen since I've gotten here, so I'm willing to spare you from my amazing combat skills. Just let me leave with the mask, and you'll live to neigh another day. Robo neigh? Neigh beep?"

RD: "30."

MC: "PAUL STOP BEING RETARDED AND GIVE IT THE MASK." Mini-Crash yells.

J: "Yeaaah, it looks pretty serious dude."

P: "No, alright? I didn't trip into another universe and get tasked with all this heavy stuff just to give up at the very end! No way am I gonna give this thing to some dumbass robot!"

RD: "10."

P: "COME AND HAVE A GO, PONY-BOY, IF YOU THINK YOU'RE HARD ENOUGH!"

You raise your arm, the holy energy of Lanky Kong flows through you.

MC: "PAUL."

P: "I guess I ought to warn you, you ain't the hardest pony I've seen."

RD: "ZERO."

Douglas jumps in front of you protectively.

MC: "Nnnnh, Paul you dumb shit."

P: "W-whoa what."

J: "M-mini-Crash what did you do?"

MC: "Mngh, I created a magic barrier, what does it look like!? I'm a witch, I can do those types of things!"

You can feel the heat from the enormous flames outside.

MC: "Look, I c-can't keep this up forever, think of something!"

You pray to Beerd. You don't think there's ever been a more appropriate time.

Beerd sends your guide down.

G: "Oh hey Paul what's up?"

G: "EAUGH WHAT IS THAT THING."

G: "Ahahahhaa okay Paul g-good luck with this I know you can do it."

The little fucker gives you a pat on the back and disappears. You want a refund on a guide.

ROBO-DASH is POKING AT your magical barrier!

It's time to get SERIOUS.

You pray for an ARMY OF BEES. CHEEZUS grants you a canister of ARMED BEE-TTALION. Open it up, and an ARMY OF BEES will assist you.

But for now, you think a more direct approach is needed. You whip out your BFG and start FIRING AWAY through the magical barrier at the ENEMYS.

YEEEES.

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEES.

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE- those bullets aren't doing shit are the- nope.

The bullets are useless against the ROBO-DASH.

You're beginning to feel like this is the perfect time to panic.

Jeffory: "use the orb"

chuckles: "SUPLEX THAT FUCKER"

The orb that was created from Brotherman Bill and Fuccboi Fill... maybe this could give you just enough power to kill Robo-Dash.

Holding it in your hand, you feel powerful energy radiating from it, filling your body.

You feel almost like a god.

Robo-Dash gears up for one final stab at the barrier.

"What did I tell you, pony-boy?"

Robo-Dash wasn't expecting that. You hop down to finish it off while it's still out.

CYBERPONY SUPLEX

Part of the floor below you begins to ascend. You must have triggered the lift system somehow.

You arrive above ground in the CASTLE COURTYARD. Robo-Dash's body is smoking behind you.

You're pretty tuckered out, so you take a moment to catch your breath. It's a nice out here, you think. Yeah, you definitely could get used to living in this kingdom once this is all over. It's a pretty place. Except the weird ass blue moon. That thing kinda rubs you the wrong way. You still think it's kinda pretty though.

You wonder, do they have weenies here? They got to, like Jeffory knew what weenies were, right? God, you're so relieved that weenies and meat products are universal constants. There's absolutely no way you'd ever live in a universe without some good old processed meat.

Some mechanical sounds come from behind you. You quickly turn around.

...but nothing is there. Oh well, must have been the wind.

Oceanstuck: "go right"

You go right, around the side of the castle. You end up outside the Mess Hall window right in front of the SPANOSA STATUE that you saw a month ago a few hours ago.

God it's beautiful. You could stand here for hours taking in its beauty. This Spanosa guy must be one hunk of a man. You hope you get to meet him someday.

Oceanstuck: "put majoras mask on its crotch"

Dawn Of a New Day: "Go to what looks like the resting area on floor two."

Ahahahah.

Looks like SPAN is a...

You're pretty tired after suplexing a 50ft robotic pony. You think you'll head back up to that one room on the 2nd floor and get some Sunny D. It'd probably be a good idea to meet up with your friends there too.

You guess you could just hop the fence from earlier, unless you can break this window...?

Nah, this window ain't coming down still. The god powers you got are starting to die off, and they made you pretty exhausted.

You hear some mechanical sounds from behind again...

AUGH FUCKING CYBER PONY BASTARD.

You get cyber-punted right through the window.

Eugh. The damn pony knocked you right into the Mess Hall. What's it's deal? You can't see it outside the window, it must have flown back off into the sky. Great, now it's resorting to some kind of shitty hit-and-run tactic.

The true tragedy here though is that now the giant painting of Beerd Beekman is tarnished with a large gash going through it. It almost makes you really want to cry a lot.

Oceanstuck: "try in vain to fix beerds portrait"

Dawn Of a New Day: "Inspect the new gash in the picture."

Yeah this painting got fucking wrecked. The gash goes straight through the ocean depicted on the painting. You don't think you have the talent to fix this kind of thing. No one might anymore, this painting looks ancient.

Looking closer, you see some carvings that were beneath the surface of the painting. It looks like a 1, 4, and a 7, and the word 'WATCHING' down below.

"That's a fukkin weird signature for an artist," you think.

Oceanstuck: "doodle something crude amongst the weird numbers"

Dawn Of a New Day: "Ask Jeff if he knows what the fuck is going on with those numbers."

ADULT_LINK: "carefully (without ripping the painting) move the painting away and look for more writing."

You doodle on the wall with your quill. Ehehhhehhehheh, you say.

There's no other writing behind the painting from what you can see. It's only under this part depicting the water.

You have no idea what these numbers mean, so you set off to get Jeffory and force him to explain.

Before you can do that though, you are interrupted by some barking.

It looks like Douglas has found you, with Mini Crash riding on him.

"Jesus it's about time we found you. Douglas has been running all over this fucking castle," says Mini Crash.

"Why, what's his deal?"

"No clue, he just got really worked up all of the sudden and dragged me along to find you."

Douglas then walks over to the window and starts barking at the sky.

"Yeah, he's been doing that a lot too. Dumbshit doesn't know he's supposed to howl at the moon, not bark at it."

You're not sure if it's the moon that's got his attention, though.

That damn cyber pony must be causing a ruckus.

You check your No-Lauder's Map to try and track the thing's movement.

Better switch to a live view to see what's up.

Just as you thought, there's that abomination now.

"Yeah it must have gotten scared when I beat its ass."

"I dunno, it doesn't seem right..."

A voice then booms out of the map.

--"WARNING: DISASTER IMMINENT AT: Castle of Spanosa. EVACUATE VICINITY IMMEDIATELY."--

You don't get it.

Oceanstuck: "hold majoras mask up to the writings. the shape around the 7 looked vaguely like the mask before you drew a dildo on it"

The symbol around the '7' on the wall looks very similar to Majora's Mask. So similar in fact, that the resemblance is uncanny! This must mean....!!!

...you have no idea.

Oceanstuck: "whered that asshole pony even go anyway"

Dawn Of a New Day: "I think it's counting down until we all die. Fun."

Jeffory: "be in cahoots with Jeff to start some hardcore sun praising (Ie, get dawn to smack that shit out of the sky)"

You're off to find Jeffory to explain those mysterious numbers.

"JEFFORY," you yell.

"Oh, there you are Paul."

"Hey, I found some weird numbers and... uh, what are you doing out here?"

"Watching the clouds. They're all parted up in the sky, it's freaky."

"Yeah, that must've been where that cyber pony thing flew up into space."

He looks at you with a stone cold stare.

"It.... what?"

"It flew into space. I scared it so bad with my skills."

"...P-Paul, no, this is bad."

"I might not know everything about ponies, but I do know that the one this robot is based off of has a special ability."

"I-it could fly, and while flying, once it reached a certain speed, it'd do something called a Sonic Rainboom."

"Well Jeff, that's just about the gayest thing I've ever heard of."

"No dude think like a Sonic Boom, but a visual explosion, spreading across an entire country. Now think that on a scale 10x bigger caused by a giant robot trying to divebomb you and kill you."

"Oh. Well... uh,"

"Look! It's flying pretty close to Dawn right now, let's ask him to smack that asshole out of the sky!"

You both begin shouting and praying into the heavens for Dawn to smack the pone.

"Wut."

"That pony?"

"Alright I'll smack it."

"Here I go."

"Fuck."

The pony outmaneuvered the sun.

Oceanstuck: "uh, shit. uh, what do we have in our infinitory again? we might be able to use something in there, maybe?"

The pony is currently heading straight for you miles above.

"Shit SHIT,"

"OKAY, enough fooling around, we gotta run man."

"But Hubris! I didn't get this mask just for this place to get blown up!"

"It doesn't matter, no one's even around to use this castle!"

"I'm sure Spanosa will understand if his Castle gets lost in the casualties."

You don't know...

Fight or flight, Paul?

Dawn Of a New Day: "Throw fluttershy at it. Fluttershy is the best pone."

Oceanstuck: "run away from the castle you can come back later"

CircleHunter: "Catch the incoming pony with your Lanky arms. Throw it up to Dawn again."

Jeffory: "Cut to a commercial break and advance the plot off screen"

Jeffory: "hopefully you wont be dead when we return"

Weenie-Licked is currently on COMMERCIAL BREAK.

User commands are currently locked, please stand by for AMAZING ADVERTISEMENTS.

Oceanstuck: "dammit jeff"

Weenie-Licked will resume shortly.

END OF ACT 1

SPANOSA'S CASTLE IS DEAD.

As Paul sleeps soundly somewhere.

END OF ACT 1

END OF ACT 1 - CHARACTER ASIDES UNLOCKED

At the end of each act, character asides are unlocked.

These show various characters on own journeys through Hubris and beyond, and what is happening behind Paul's back. They will not always take place at the same point in the timeline as the main story.

ASIDE - JEFFORY

"Welp... there he goes. Badass pony slayer."

"No doubt that he's our hero now, huh. You see how he handled that thing?"

"Pure skill."

"Hey, he's not the only one. If it weren't for me, you anuses would have been toasted."

"Man lay off, Crash. He just suplexed a giant fucking robot! As Pauls official sidekick, I'm pretty sure I get the honor of declaring when he's being a badass."

"Okay, first off, it's MINI CRASH. I'm NOT Crash. Secondly, you don't get to call yourself his sidekick if you can't even chip in during a fight, alright?"

"Well, I mean... what am I supposed to do? Throw Zel's plastic sword at it?"

"Just chill Cr- uh, Mini Crash. It's a job well done either way, right?"

"Ugh fine. Look sorry, I'm just so outta energy after erecting that barrier. I think maybe- h-hey Douglas what are you...?"

"HEY. NO. BAD DOG. LET GO OF MY HAT."

"NO. FFF- STOP YOU SHIT."

ASIDE - COC/ROSEY

"Okay, first we'll find Paul. He oughta be out front, right?"

"I dunno. I'never seen outside! I was just born n' that room there."

"Oh... right. Man that's weird..."

"I guess we should try to find C- ...Mini Crash and Douglas too, huh?"

You both hear loud crashing noises in the distance. It sounds like glass breaking.

"Oh no! Something could have happened to Paul!"

"Coc! Hold my wife!"

"DON'T WORRY PAUL I'M COMING."

Jeffory speeds off ahead, leaving you alone.

"Psssst. You. Hey."

"PSSSST. HEEEEY. Yeah, you! Country girl!"

There's someone peering at you through a door.

"Uh, yeah? What is it?"

"Took you long enough! Seriously."

"Hello Rosey, I'm here to help you with your troubles."

"W-what troubles? Who're you, anyways?"

"I'm your new friend! You can call me Umbra."

"And I'm talking about your relationship troubles, DUH!"

"Oh, with Paul! Ahaha, I'm not havin' any relationship troubles with Paul! We're a perfectly happy couple."

A large grin spreads across Umbra's face.

"Mhm, SUUUUURE. Tell me, how many times have you two spoken...? Twice? Three times, maybe?"

"IDK, that's kinda weird where I'm from. Just sayin'."

"Heh, well... we're just startin' out, you know?"

"YOU'RE just starting out. That's the problem, Rosey!"

"Tell me about yourself. Lay it ALL on the table."

"A-all of what?"

"All of you! I want to hear every little detail, trivia, and quirk about you."

"Well... ...I really like weenies! Paul too! He's like, really awesome n' stuff!"

"And UGH, vegetarians. I can't stand'em! They're just... the worst!"

"No, no, NO! That's PAUL! You're describing Paul, not Rosey!"

"Tell me about YOUR personality!"

"Me? Well, I... uhm... ah..."

"Rosey. Paul doesn't want you. He doesn't love you."

"He can't love something that's nothing!"

"But, no! He..."

"What's that you're holding?"

"This pillow? It's... Jeff's wife."

"Oh! Haha, for a second I thought it was a relative of your's! After all, is there really much of a difference between you and that pillow...?"

You're not sure if you feel angry or sad.

You realize you never had experience with these kinds of things before, or anything for that matter.

"Rosey. I want to help you. I know can be more. I know that Paul can love you, and that you can make something of yourself!"

"I know that deep down, you want to. You didn't ever object to me calling you Rosey, did you?"

"O-oh!"

"You want to be more. I want you to be more. Paul wants you to be more."

"All you have to do... is follow my instructions. A series of tests, to build character and earn Paul's love."

"I-I dunno... I mean..."

You hear someone yelling at you from the courtyard.

"COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOC. WE GOTTA LEAVE NOOOOOOOOOW."

"Haha, I'll be watching, Rosey!"

You're left alone again.

ASIDE - CHUCKLES

"UGH, THE LIGHT. CLOSE THE DAMN DOOR."

"Chuckles."

"Oh. It's you."

"Just leave me be you cock. Go out play with your new friend."

"No Chuckles. We must leave this place."

"A 100 ton metallic pony is hurling down towards this castle at supersonic speeds. If you don't get your ass off that floor right now, you're gonna be fucking sonic rainboomed into the next goddamn continent."

You always knew this day would come.

"...Convincing argument, Jeff."

ASIDE - MUGEN KAGEMARU

"...I can't believe it took me half a day to pick my own door."

"However, this goes to show how tight the Shardis's security is."

"Okay."

"What the fuck did Paul- why did he...?"

You're so fucking done with these dumbshits.

You hear some noise coming from the back hallway...

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ALL DOING IN MY HOUSE?"

ASIDE - PAUL RUDD

"ONE AT A TIME, I SAID ONE A GODDAMN TIME!"

"COC, STOP TRIPPING OVER CHUCKLES, YOU'RE HURTING THE MAN!"

"JEFFORY, WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING? DON'T PULL HER HAIR, CHRIST!"

"Okay, FINALLY."

"You're getting them all into Mugen's place?"

"Ugh. I dunno if I'd rather deal with Mugen or Cyber Pony Apocalypse 2012."

Suddenly, the door slams shut, and you can hear Mugen cursing on the other side.

You try to open the door, but the cac locked you out.

"Paul, the Brottknocker, now!"

The door vanishes before you get the chance to use it.

Damn, looks like Mugen's caught onto your tricks.

"Shit, shit, shit, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT."

You run towards the throne room, desperate to find a quick way out of the Castle.

You vaguely remember seeing a large body of water outside the windows.

It's your best bet.

Before you can reach the water you are engulfed by a bright light.

ASIDE - CRASH

"....yeah. I'm here."

"....I'm fine. He got me good. He's got a nice arm."

"....I just might with that attitude."

"....You're the cockier cock."

"....No, his Bum Resistance was too high. This form had no effect on him."

"....Yeah, at least we found our guy."

"....Hold on, I gotta get my hat."

"....Fuck you, it's an awesome hat."

"....No, Paul knocked it off of me with his weenie. It should be coming back soon."

"Ugh."

"....It's just another one of those robots."

"....No, it just... it looks like it's talking on the intercom"

The robot lets out a loud mechanical "BEEP" into the intercom on the wall.

"Nevermind, it's still just being a dumbshit robot."

"....Yeah, I didn't want Mugen to get him first either, but it looks like that's how the cookie crumbles."

"....Either way he's going to Hubris. Mugen will probably just train him to be a weeb."

"....Yeah it sucks."

"Anyway here's my hat."

"When I get to not feeling like shit, I'll teleport Paul here, give him a briefing, ect."

"....Yeah alright, later."

ASIDE - ???

From a distance aways, a man watches a familiar castle get obliterated.

INTERMISSION 1

Dear Diary...

Today I investigated the strange portal that manifested within the Pony Sanctuary. Spanosa was obviously suspicious of my enthusiasm to take upon this mission, though I believe it'd be impossible for me to hide it. I admit, I am very excited at the chance to visit Equestria once again. I have many friends there waiting for me, it's been so long since I've seen them. I pressed the Pony Sanctuary Guardian for answers about this portal. He knew nothing about it's origin, only that it appeared very recently. With a feeling of great promise, I stepped through the portal...

Equestria was just as I remembered. I met up with some old friends, but I could not stay for long. I once again had to leave my friends abruptly, as duty called back in Hubris. For the first time in ages, I no longer have to rely on the abilities of Crash or Mugen to move between universes since the lanes between them were severed. Apparently this portal only links Hubris and Equestria. I wish I could visit the friends I made in Hyrule, though I guess that must wait for later.

As directed by Spanosa, I will continue to write down my findings of this strange portal so that we may better understand it. I will jot down my discoveries in a different set of notes for Spanosa. Oh yes, I also wrote another fanfiction. This one takes quite the saucy turn, when Twilight Sp-

The rest of Zelenal's Diary is burnt and covered in an orange glow, presumably Solar Excrement.

Within another Universe we have not previously seen yet, our story begins, many years ago.

A young man stands in his room.

Your name is ABRAM AYDAN. You love ADVENTURING and listening to the STORIES OF THE LEGENDARY HERO, just like literally EVERYONE ELSE in this UNIVERSE. You are especially fond of the one where the hero visits a mysterious land called TERMINA. It just resonates with you somehow. In fact, you love it so much that recently you started a FAN CLUB for said specific tale with your TWO ROOMATES.

Enough standing around, time to DO STUFF.

Oceanstuck: "open the chest"

Dawn Of a New Day: "Summon your faithful ally; the big red dot."

ADULT_LINK: "Look in trashcan for goodies."

KidPichu: "check your computer"

chuckles: "poop in the chest"

ridesthenarwhal: "sit in the trashcan where you belong while pondering your life choices"

You go over and look in your trusty chest. Inside you find.....!!!! !! ! ! !! ! ! !!!! ! ! ! ! !!! !!

A bomb. DA DA DA DAAAA.

Or something.

Why are you smiling?

Bombs are pretty common in this world. A much needed tool for much needed adventurers.

The chest seems.... strangely empty now... you gotta fix that.

Hahahaha. Yeeeeees.

You got the perfect plan for this.

You're totally gonna hide this chest in the dungeon that one of your roomies is exploring.

He'll be all like, wtf dude. Ahahahah.

After shitting in a chest, you go dig through the dirty ass garbage.

Inside is.... DA DA DA DAAAAA.

A RED DOT.

This red dot is your trusty companion!

Well, it's ACTUALLY a red fairy, but the cheap ass plastic wings fell off a long time ago.

The old manual is in the trash too.

"CRIMSON SHIP 4000: S.ENSORY H.ELPER - I.NTERACTIVE P.IXIE.

THE NEW INTERACTIVE FAIRY TO FOLLOW YOU AROUND.

TELL IT YOUR DEEPEST SECRETS! USE IT AS A RECORDING MACHINE!

CHAT WITH IT WHEN YOU'RE LONELY! TARGET ENEMIES!

THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS."

Yeah, bullshit.

You then sit in the trash. It just felt appropriate.

You literally just shat in your childhood treasure chest.

What led to this moment?

Oh yeah, some badass prank ideas! Man, you're awesome.

You figure you ought to check how your fanclub's website is doing.

It's still incredibly rudamentary, but you feel that in about eleven years or so, it'll be about how you want it.

Ugh. Right.

One of your roomies recently hired this kid named Spencer to keep the site in check while you're all busy.

Spencer's a fucking genius but god does he get on your nerves.

Recently you've been fighting over what the domain name should be.

The domain has gone something like this:

Abram - the-cool-termina-club.net

Spencer - mooninites.net

Abram - the-termina-kids.net

Spencer - thatnameisstupid.net

Abram - fuck-you-spencer.net

Spencer - youshouldnthavesaidthat.net

Abram - fuck-off-spencer.net

Spencer - abramismadguys.net

Fucking kids. You hate 'em.

JosephOfGlass: "Light BOMB, throw it out the window or, if you don't have one, at the wall where a window would probably be."

Jeffory: "call spencer a nerd and shut your computer off in the most forcible way possible"

ridesthenarwhal: "read the note tacked right above your doorknob!"

Oceanstuck: "squawk out the window like an imbecile"

Dawn Of a New Day: "Confess your love for Chuckles to the red dot."

ADULT_LINK: "ask the red dot for a weenie"

You light the bomb in your room.

There's absolutely no way this could go wrong.

There's no windows in your room because you live in the basement.

You instead just throw the bomb into the corner of your room.

OH GOD HOW CAN BOMBS BE SO EXPLOSIVE

Pissed that you just ruined your room, you get online and chew out Spencer some more.

You go off on a page long rant on your website, calling him lots of mean things like "nerd" and "dingus".

You think you've one-up'd him, but then you realize the domain name has changed again.

banabramnowplslmao.net.

WHO DOES THIS KID THINK HE IS TRYING TO GET YOU BANNED FROM YOUR OWN CLUB AUUUGH

In a fit of rage, you tear your computer from the wall and throw it into the hole you made with the bomb.

You're starting to think you have anger issues.

Your CRIMSON SHIP is trying to get your attention.

You always thought 'CRIMSON SHIP' was too edgy of a name for a fucking fairy, so you just call him Fred.

Fred speaks to you in a Microsoft Sam voice.

"Sir, you have one new message."

"Fred I don't care I'm not in the mood."

"Playing recorded message: 'Abram, this is David. I am ordering you to not partake in anymore of these foolish shenanigans on our website, it-'"

"FRED I DO NOT CARE."

"Sir, you seem to be upset. Begin pacification procedures?"

"Ugh... I just need some breakfast. Do you have any sausage, or weenies or something?"

"I will begin cooking breakfast for you, sir."

The fairy then blasts off through the ceiling of your room straight into the kitchen.

Fucking Fred, man. You didn't even get to confess your feelings to Chuckles to him.

You'll just have to do it later.

Wait... you don't even know a Chuckles.

Anyway, you decide to head out, when you notice a small sticky note tacked above your doorknob.

You bet this is your roommate's doing, Kyle Bristle. He loves leaving cryptic messages everywhere, and he'd be dumb enough to TACK a STICKY NOTE to something. Anyway, you read it:

ABRAM...

I WANT TO PLAY A GAME

I WISH TO TEST YOUR ABILITIES

IF YOU REALLY ARE A GREAT EXPLORER

THEN PROVE IT BY COMPLETING MY CHALLENGES

JUST BE CAREFUL NOT TO MAKE A

MISTAKE

-KYLE BRISTLE

Yeah okay, he's doing more of this roleplay garbage.

Kyle is a bit younger than you and your other roommate, so you guess this kinda shit is to be expected.

You still think it's creepy that he went into your room while you slept though just to put up this note.

Oceanstuck: "leave a message on your wall for him in case he tries to do it again"

ridesthenarwhal: "but use the poop in your chest to do it. make a statement. shit gets real."

You leave a message for Kyle in case he decides to swooce into your room again.

You kinda ran out of space though.

Jeffory: "call adult link a big dumb"

Jeffory: "then plug your computer back in, log onto Skype, and remind Jeff that his Waifu is the shittiest"

Dawn Of a New Day: "Go upstairs."

chuckles: "BEAT MY MEAT"

ADULT_LINK: "NO. BEAT MY MEAT"

Oceanstuck: "beat mine too while youre at it"

Jeffory: "why not just beat everyone's meat at that point"

CircleHunter: "Yeah, it's been a while since I've had a meatage beatage. Me too."

You don't know SHIT about beating meat. Well, for the most part.

You don't know a Oceanstuck, you don't know a Adult_Link, you don't know a Jeffory, you don't know a CircleHunter, and you ESPECIALLY don't know a fucking CHUCKLES.

You must be going crazy.

You step outside into the BASEMENT HALLWAY.

Down the hallway infront of you is KYLE'S ROOM, next to it is the BATHROOM.

Welp, time to go upst- where's the fucking stairs.

Kyle, that little shit. He blew up the stairs.

Who the fuck even blows up a staircase.

You see that he also installed a HOOKSHOT TARGET above the BASEMENT EXIT.

Fine. You'll play his shitty game. Then you'll leave the CHEST full of SHIT in his room.

Fucking kids you swear.

Dawn Of a New Day: "Jump it."

Cheezus: "I give you a pair of holy air jordans to aid you in this feat lol"

ridesthenarwhal: "rip the poster off the wall and make a paper airplane to throw up the ex-stairs"

Oceanstuck: "make sure to vandalize it first"

You consider jumping the gap just to screw over Kyle's shitty game, but there's no way in hell you could make that jump.

For some reason you feel like a handsome-looking God is trying to help you make the jump, but said God doesn't exist yet and therefore cannot grant you any boons!

Right, this shitty thing. Kyle is a total fucking weeb, he's addicted to the 'animes'.

He likes to constantly shout this phrase, "WHO DO YOU THINK I AM?".

Apparently it's from something called Gerudo Lawnmower or something to that effect.

Kyle can take his crappy anime and shove it.

You form the poster into a paper airplane, and HOLY SHIT LOOK AT IT GO ITS

...falling into the abyss.

Man, that hole's deep. Kyle must have spent a fortune to get enough Powder Kegs to make this thing.

What a waste.

Dawn Of a New Day: "Pray to "Cheezus", a god you just make up in your mind like five seconds ago, and ask him to come back to the past."

Beerd Beekman: "Fear not, young Abram. For I will return your airplane to you. It will be much needed for the long journey ahead."

You try once again to pray to these Gods of a foreign universe and timespan.

There's absolutely no way this will ev- wait what.

After praying to BEERD, one of the HOLY MESSENGER'S of YOUR UNIVERSE comes to assist you.

It's got your badass paper plane in hand! You take it back, and tuck it neatly away.

Next, your other prayer is heard! CHEEZUS grants you the holy boon of AIR JORDANS.

These are basically moon shoes on crack.

You take one graceful, majestic, flying leap.

"He he he heh!", you laugh.

Kyle's shitty quest got sequence broke out the ass.

JosephOfGlass: "Check inventory"

GreyouTT: "Kick Kyle's ass to the moon."

Your INVENTORY holds a PAIR OF HOLY AIR JORDANS, MIRACLE PILLS, and a PAPER AIRPLANE.

You go upstairs into the main part of the house and- oh boy. Looks like Kyle set up a BEAMOS as another part of your challenge. You swear, you'ge gonna kick his ass to the MOON where it belongs.

Too bad you wasted your only bomb!

The exit of the house is right in front of you to the LEFT, and in the BACK is the dining room which also leads into DAVID MCDONNELL'S ROOM.

Oh. Right. David. Your OTHER ROOMMATE.

Definitely the most mature of you three, but really fucking controlling. He's always watching you guys, ready to scorn you two even at the slightest slip up. And yes, he can be pretty terrifying when angry.

...oh fuck, you just realized he's gonna be SUPER PISSED once he sees how much you and Kyle destroyed the BASEMENT.

Tonight is gonna be hell.

Spirkiroid: "throw the paper airplane at the beamos' eye"

JosephOfGlass: "Wait for the Beamos to look away, and sprint past. Grab a knife from the counter before you leave, though."

chuckles: "DO A BARREL ROLL"

You throw the PAPER AIRPLANE straight at the BEAMOS.

DIRECT HIT.

The BEAMOS is knocked onto the floor, blinded for the moment.

You quickly run over and grab your PAPER AIRPLANE.

There's no way you're letting this thing out of your sight ever again.

You BARREL ROLL past the BEAMOS with much gusto.

You also grab a BUTCHER KNIFE.

Because.

Oceanstuck: "go out the door"

Dawn Of a New Day: "Crush some of the pills with the knife, make lines, then snort them."

Jeffory: "use the BUTCHER KNIFE to cut off your fingers in exchange for the life of your daughter."

Oh, right. You still haven't taken your pills.

...just like the day before.

......and the day before that.

Huh, maybe that's why you've been doing all this stupid crap like shitting in your chest and blowing up your room.

These MIRACLE PILLS usually help maintain your... tendencies.

Since you haven't taken your dosage the last few days, you decide to just double up on it today and take several at once.

You crush them all with your BUTCHER KNIFE and snort them, because taking them that way is just cooler.

Aah. It always burns so good.

However, you begin to feel a little... different.

Hey Abram! Your children are in trouble!

"W-what, who said that??"

I did! Your friend, the Butcher Knife!

"I... I-I uh don't, have any kids..."

Sure you do! You have lots of children who look up to you!

"No... I don't like kids, I'm not going to have children..."

It's too late for that, Abram! For it is written in stone!

"My kids?"

Yes! Many of them are in great pain!

You know what you have to do. Blood for blood, Abram.

"I... must?"

Sometimes the best choice is not the easiest.

Yes, just like that! You can do it, Abram!

You position your hand, and take a swing at your fingers.

Shortly after, you black out.

You have muddied dreams about fathering many children, so many children.

Hundreds, in fact.

Then, you are awoken by a familiar voice.

"Sir, your sausage is complete."

"G-guh, hwat...?"

"Also I have replaced your fingers with robotic digits. I hope you do not mind."

Sure enough, you got some neat robot fingers now.

Maybe this shitty little fairy isn't so bad after all.

Still groggy, you attempt to head outside to get some fresh air, but it looks like Kyle decided to put one last barrier in your way.

It's fukkin locked.

Cheezus: "I give you a magic eyepatch so you look more like big boss"

Dawn Of a New Day: "Cut through that shit with your knife buddy."

Jeffory: "using your fairy dictate a letter to your future son"

Oceanstuck: "uhh all father references aside uhh transform one of your fingers into a lock picking device"

Ugh. Future child?

The idea of having a child still repulses you.

You got your hands full with Kyle already.

Still refusing to play his games, you discover that your new robotic hand has a build in LOCKPICK feature in the pinkie.

A few goes, and CLICK.

The FRONT DOOR is now unlocked.

Time to finally START YOUR ADVENTURE!

You ask FRED the RED DOT to play some EPIC ADVENTURING MUSIC.

Fred has a radio feature. It's pretty handy sometimes, but like most things, Fred finds a way to fuck it up.

You switch the radio to channel 2243.

"I'M ROLLING THROUGH YOUR HOOD ANYBODY CAN FIND ME

YOU CAN HEAR ME FROM THE NEXT BLOCK

WHEN I'M ON THE NEXT-"

Nah. You switch the radio to channel 4123

"WHEN I LOVED MY TRACTO-"

Up va reb gue iec buvrx up va.

Up va yivrs be iec.

Ne reb lp qeeypn, Knfprbctpta.

-U

UGH. Must be some kind of shitty new-age dubstep garbage.

Or it's some kind of number's station.

Those always freaked you out a little.

You just decide to go without music for now.

Oceanstuck: "observe surroundings"

JosephOfGlass: "Pray to Cheezus to receive your magic eyepatch"

GreyouTT: "Test other fingers for new features."

It feels like it's been forever.

You step outside and finally get some fresh air.

Your house rests on the edge of LAKE HYLIA.

Well, technically it's LAKE HYLIA No. 324, since everyone wants to name their lake LAKE HYLIA in THIS UNIVERSE.

Because of all these LAKE HYLIAS, it's hard to tell which one was the original from the TALES OF THE HERO ages ago.

You don't really care much, but you still like to think that you live next to the real one.

You also live next to a FOREST.

You recently found something BIG in this forest.

A completely UNTOUCHED DUNGEON.

Dungeons are scattered across the UNIVERSE OF HYRULE.

Many people of this land make scavenging them their profession.

You still want to be the leader of a successful club, rather than a full-time adventurer, but this is just a fun side hobby.

What you're REALLY hoping for though is to find an actual RELIC OF LEGENDS.

Something from the TALES OF THE HERO.

If you find something like that, your club is sure to grow like crazy!

You were actually planning on venturing farther into said dungeon today.

You kinda miss your old fingers.

At least these new ones got some neat functions.

• Your THUMB is a TINY STORAGE DEVICE.
• Your INDEX FINGER is a LIGHTER.
• Your MIDDLE FINGER is a HIDDEN BLADE.
• Your RING FINGER is a SEWING NEEDLE.
• And your PINKIE is a LOCKPICK.

Huh... interesting choices.

But useful, nonetheless.

You feel like it makes you look a bit BADASS.

To complete the look, you PRAY TO CHEEZUS for an EYEPATCH.

...

But it does not come.

That's strange.

Whatever, you don't need Gods.

You think you're all ready to head to the DUNGEON.

You've got a good feeling about today.

Oceanstuck: "make your way down field"

JosephOfGlass: "Marvel at the fact that the comic is now in full color"

GreyouTT: "Gaze into the majesty that is lake hylia, Look deep into its blue wonder."

CircleHunter: "Fulfill the prophecy set by Cheezus and construct an eyepatch from leaves and grass."

Dawn Of a New Day: "Hide some of dem sweet, sweet drugs in your thumb."

You look out across Lake Hylia. Man, you could just stare at it all day. But you won't, because that'd be stupid. It looks like some heavy clouds are rolling in. Gonna be stormy tonight. Despite that though, everything DOES seem a bit more... colorful.

It must be your imagination. Or the drugs.

Oh. Speaking of drugs.

There. Now you always have a heartly supply of drugs on hand. Or should you say...

in hand.

You're almost ready to set out, just one last thing...

YEEEEEAH.

Now you're ready.

This shitty KICKASS EYEPATCH will be sure to intimidate any foes you encounter.

You begin your trek through the woods. All you can hear are your own footsteps and the gradual rustle of the trees, blowing in the cool breeze.

Right, this place.

On the way to the dungeon, you came across this large facility. It must be some kind of quarry or something. They got some expensive looking gear there, most noticeably a giant TRANSMUTATRON 2000 right in the center. They must be doing some heavy duty crafting there.

You gotta say, you're a bit jealous of all that machinery. Transmutatrons are useful as all get-out.

And you're finally here.

This dungeon has somehow gone untouched for thousands of years. You guess you were the only one to ever guess the PASSWORD to open the doors. And now, you must speak that password once more.

Which is...

Jeffory: "'spencer is such a nerd lel'"

Oceanstuck: "'we are all cocs'"

JosephOfGlass: "'YOUR REFLECTION TELLS A STORY OF A PIRATE'S LIFE OF GLORY. TRUST YOUR EYES. THE MIRROR NEVER LIES.'"

chuckles: "make a fist to punch a hole in it."

ridesthenarwhal: "'star heart horseshoe'"

Dawn Of a New Day: "Throw the airplane at it."

"YOUR HEART TELLS A STORY OF A NERD'S LIFE OF COCS. TRUST YOUR STAR. THE HORSESHOE NEVER LIES."

...at least, you think that's what it was.

The dungeon door opens! That must have been it afterall.

Or it just felt sorry for you.

This place was a nightmare to get through. You trek through the empty halls in which you battled fiercely just days before.

Blood is still stained on the ground from where the arrow traps sliced you, and your arm still burns from those damn Beamos.

You're here.

This is the door that you've been stumped on. An eerie aura surrounds it, and some ancient glyphs glow on its surface.

You're sure that whatever awaits beyond this door is your DESTINY.

JosephOfGlass: "Use your AIR JORDANS to leap up and punch the eye at the top of the door."

Oceanstuck: "any idea what the door says?"

Jeffory: "read the inscription in the eldritch tongue of your forefathers "

You try to translate the writing on the wall, but it's written in an ancient language. Hardly anyone here speaks Hylian anymore. You'll try your best to speak it aloud.

equgyq tss hng wtz htyoqc nqcq rgc pnqcq fv gysz ltfy tyo vdrrqcfyu pntp sfq tnqto pg tyz tyo tss hng cqpcfqmq pnfv wtvb

...yeah, no. You got no clue.

Using your handy AIR JORDANS, you are able to leap up to the top of the DOOR.

You give the EYE a good walloping for good measure. You should have guessed this sooner. The eye is ALWAYS the answer!

Something deep inside the walls of the dungeon moves, and your heart races as the door slowly slides open.

The room is filled with darkness.

END OF INTERMISSION 1

ACT 2: VG-INC

Universal Portal Report 1 - Rules of the Universe

By Zelenal

For us to better understand the Portal that recently appeared in the Pony Sanctuary, I feel it would be wise for me to first go over what defines a Universe. A Universe is an isolated section of space with its own laws, Gods, and purpose. One cannot travel to another Universe simply by flying out far enough into space. Instead, special means must be used to travel from one to another, such as magic, technology, or portals.

The most important thing that makes up a Universe is Purpose. Let's look at the Universe of Hyrule for example, as it is one we are all familiar with. The purpose of this Universe is to celebrate and explore the stories of the Ancient Hero, Link. Purpose drives the denizens of a Universe, it is its very own life and blood. Another way one could look at a Universe is as its own community, or as a more loaded term, fandom. Inside jokes, common themes, a like mindset, these are all things found within a Universe.

Next, let us look at the creation of a Universe. There are two types of Universes: Original and Offshoot. The Hyrule is an Original Universe, as it was created by one God long ago as an original idea. Hubris, on the other hand, is an Offshoot Universe of Hyrule. We started within Hyrule, slowly gaining our own identity, until we were unique enough to be called our own Universe. Thus, an Offshoot Universe was created. I will go deeper into the specifics of Universe Creation in my next set of notes on Gods.

This is the groundwork for our very existence.

If one has enough power, creativity, and will, they too may be able to create their own universe.

A young 'princess' stands in her room. She constantly has to hear her own name being spouted out as if she's some kind of deity or something. Because of this her name has lost all meaning to her. What was her name again?

Spirkiroid: "AMY ADAMS"

Your name is AMY ADAMS. You are a professional MEME CONNOISSEUR, living at VG-INC. And you love veggies, or so you are told. What are you going to do?

CircleHunter: "Go to sleep."

You wish you could, but this place has a very strict schedule. Yes, even for sleeping. People usually are forced to obey, lest they be 'corrected' by the FUNGIMPS.

Oceanstuck: "open the chest"

ridesthenarwhal: "sit in the chest"

ridesthenarwhal: "ponder your sad weenie-less existence"

Jeffory: "consult your handy dandy schedule to tell you what you're supposed to be doing"

CircleHunter: "Open a nice, refreshing COCA-COLA to satisfy your thirst."

You open the chest. Inside are MANY PONIES. Gross. You never really cared for ponies.

These are all 'gifts' from your MOTHER. What, does she think you're five? You hid them all away from sight in this chest so you don't have to look at their colorful, judging eyes.

You still have to look at hers though.

You sit in the chest to contemplate your LACK OF WEENIES, which you are COMPLETELY GRATEFUL FOR.

Those disgusting MEAT LOVERS and their PRIMITIVE WAYS are vile. You'll never forgive them for THE WAR.

Your fellow VEGETARIANS tried to fight back with ROOTWHIPS and GOURDBOMBS, but the MEAT LOVERS retaliated with the horrible MEAT BEATING BEET MEETINGS. You still have nightmares.

You check your HANDY DANDY SCHEDULE.

You got this thing memorized, you've been following it for 10 DAMN YEARS. It's mostly stayed the same.

Right now it is 7:30 PM.

You've gotta head out and PRAISE THE OL' FUNGI here pretty soon.

In the meantime, you decide to have a delicious COCA-COLA. But... you haven't had a delicious COCA-COLA in 10 years. You just have water here... until recently, that is.

About a month ago, this place just took in a TON OF REFUGEES. Getting refugees is nothing new, as this whole place was designed a BUNKER for THE WAR. You haven't had any new refugees though for like 10 years, as you were all told you were the LAST PEOPLE IN THE UNIVERSE ALIVE.

Except for these NEW REFUGEES from a month ago. They're all weird. With them they brought tons of DRAMA, SHIT, and SUNNY D.

But yes. It is nice to finally drink something other than water for a change.

Oceanstuck: "examine creepy bs"

ridesthenarwhal: "what the heck is your trash can full of?"

CircleHunter: "Examine the Mask of Truth unfamiliar mask on the wall."

The box labeled 'CREEPY BS' is full of CREEPY BS.

Okay, so your MOTHER instated 'AMY DAY', a day ONCE A MONTH where everyone has to basically worship you and send you love letters. This box is full of those creepy, forced letters.

Oh, right. Did you mention that your MOTHER is the owner of this whole BUNKER? She's basically THE LEADER around here, usually referred to as the GRAND MATRIARCH by everyone else. You're spoiled and you absolutely hate it.

Your trash is usually FULL TO THE BRIM. Inside are tons of LETTERS from your MOTHER. Every night she sends you a letter, usually telling you that you're her 'LITTLE PRINCESS' or something, followed by everything you did wrong that day with tips on how to be PERFECT.

You know your mother always was a bit of a PERFECTIONIST, but honestly it gets ridiculous sometimes.

You make it a point to take your trash out as little as possible, intentionally letting it overflow so your mother will see it. Your move, mom.

On your wall is a Mask of Truth unfamiliar mask familiar mask.

This thing was a gift from the GRAND PATRIARCH. No, the PATRIARCH is not your father. He's just some creepy old dude who showed up a few years ago. Apparently your mom liked the cut of his jib and hired him as her OFFICIAL ADVISER.

He spoils you a bit too, but not really like how your mom does; it's more of a creepy grandpa way.

JosephOfGlass: "Wear it"

chuckles: "think about your dad."

Oceanstuck: "examine posters"

Oceanstuck: "also whats that box next to your bed"

Spirkiroid: "what does your dad look like?"

Your REAL dad wasn't creepy at all. He was really nice, and gave great advice and... huh. You can't really remember that much about him. Not even his face.

He died a long time ago during THE WAR.

The giant veegees poster isn't your's. There's one in each room. It's meant to remind everyone that THEY. LOVE. VEGGIES. It's also got a drawing of your mother's face on it. As a minor act of rebellion, you covered it slightly with one of your own posters. Your move, mom.

Your posters are just of some films you used to like, and an anime. I-i's not like you want to be a magical girl or anything. You just think moons are cool, okay?? Oh. And there's the giant framed painting. That was actually given to you by the GRAND PATRIARCH. Kind of a weird gift, you don't even remember telling him you liked moon stuff. He said the painting was named "Moon Goddess's Lament".

Oh, right! You almost forgot to practice today.

You open the box next to your bed to find...

...your prized BEANZOOKA.

Okay, it's actually not a bazooka, but you made this slingshot YOURSELF, so you can name it whatever you want. With this bad boy, you can FLING STUFF AT PEOPLE.

It doesn't have a very high attack, but it can use a VARIETY OF AMMO. Right now you can only FLICK BEANS though.

"Hehehehe. It's BEAN far too long since I've given some PEAon a BLACK EYE with this sucker. I need to rectify that PINTO."

...yeah. You need to work on your pun-game.

This mask was yet another gift from the GRAND PATRIARCH.

He was very eager to give it to you. It's been hanging on your wall for like two years or something.

You've never really tried it on before.

Might as well.

What could possibly go wrong?

As soon as you put the mask on, you awake in a completely different room. The mask is nowhere to be seen.

CircleHunter: "Examine the new room."

Wait... you know where this is.

This is the DUPLICATION ROOM. This room is always locked up super tight, and for good reason too. The DUPLICATATRON is a very high-powered piece of equipment. It is used to, as the name implies, create copies of things. Food, weapons, anything that can fit on the machine can be duplicated. Living things are no exception, however doing so is taboo, and a failsafe is installed inside the machine to restrict this.

There is not much else in the room, except for a large window and many boxes containing various supplies.

JosephOfGlass: "Attempt to open a box"

Jeffory: "attempt to replicate yourself using the machine"

Jeffory: "if it works engage in relations with your double"

Oceanstuck: "look out the window"

ridesthenarwhal: "duplicate your bean flicker so you can flick beans at people while you flick beans at people"

You open a box and find MANY MAGIC BEANS. There's a whole bunch in here, you won't have to worry about running out.

You now have A NEW AMMO TYPE for your weapon. You can now shoot MAGIC BEANS at stuff. If you're lucky, something just might grow where it hits.

Looks like whoever was using the DUPLICATRON before you made 425 copies of something.

You change it to 2, because you don't want 425 other versions of you running around. There's no way you could explain that one to mom.

You attempt to DUPLICATE YOURSELF, but just as you suspected, the FAILSAFE MECHANISM within the machine blocks any attempts to duplicate life.

You're still just as lonely as ever.

You ARE able to duplicate your BEANZOOKA though. Now you have TWO BEANZOOKAS, so you can FLICK DOUBLE THE AMOUNT OF BEANS.

...as soon as you can figure out how to use them both at the same time, anyways.

You look out the window. From here, you can see the MAIN HALL, with the GREAT FUNGI in the center.

Wait... why is everyone already standing around out there...?

SHIT. It's already almost 8:00 pm. You're going to be late to PRAISE THE GREAT FUNGI!

The door won't open, either. How the hell did you even get in here if it locked behind you? UGH.

You look out into the MAIN HALL once again. Right now somewhere above you, your MOTHER and the GRAND PATRIARCH should be getting ready for the ceremony.

No doubt she's noticed your absence and is PISSED.

You gotta get out of this room somehow.

Even if you're late to the ceremony you could still probably come up with an excuse and hide in your room... like, you ate a bad tomato, and got sick! Or... were attacked by rebels and were knocked out!

Oceanstuck: "flick a magic bean at the door and hope that something good happens"

CircleHunter: "Pray to the Great Fungi and ask it to open the door."

ADULT_LINK: "Create a T chart of people you think you can trust, and people you arent sure if you can trust."

JosephOfGlass: "Smash through window, crash praising, cause riot. Escape. This is it. THIS IS YUOR JAILBRAEK"

Jeffory: "Praise the fucking sun"

GreyouTT: "KICK THE DOOR OPEN WITH A SUDDEN BURST OF STRENGTH"

nintendocs: "Question why you worship fungi."

You consider praying to the GREAT FUNGI, but fuck that.

Honestly, that giant purple phallus thing always weirded you out, you don't understand how everyone got roped into actually praying to a goddamn mushroom. They must just be going along with it to avoid making your mother mad.

You liked it better when you had a nice pretty tree instead of some gross fungus.

You also consider breaking through the window and causing an UPRISING.

This would be against your better judgement though, since the GREAT FUNGI apparently emits STRANGE TOXINS.

Also there's like a 50 meter drop right outside this window.

You PRAISE THE SUN. Well, you attempt to.

You actually haven't seen the sun in years. The moon is a much better celestial body, you think. It's so pretty, and it doesn't hurt your eyes to look at.

Welp, might as well try flicking some beans at the door. You TAKE AIM.

THE STAKES ARE HIGH. IT ALL DEPENDS ON THIS SHOT.

THE MAGIC BEAN HITS THE DOOR.

...and a plant grows on the door.

...and you're still stuck in this fucking room.

Wait... no. It looks like the plant grew inside door, pushing it wide open for you!

YOU ARE FINALLY FREE OF THIS CURSED ROOM. It only took a month few minutes. Unfortunately, the PRAISING OF THE FUNGI has already began. You can hear the chants from here.

You go into the next room and... yeah, you know this place. It's very familiar to you.

You go into the next room and... yeah, you know this place. It's very familiar to you.

You've always loved this place.

It's restricted from normal civilian access, so you would have to sneak in after LIGHTS OUT through the AIR VENTS. You haven't been here in a few years, so this is all very nostalgic to you.

You like this room because it's one of the few places that has windows. Many nights were spent here staring off into the night sky. Unlike most other rooms, in here you are alone, not being monitored or judged.

This room contains many boxes sitting around, most likely just more supplies. There is a door next to you that connects to the MAIN HALL where people are currently PRAISING THE FUNGI. Down below is the AIR VENT that you used to use to travel to this room from your own.

You also quickly draw up a chart diagram to iron out who exactly you can and cannot trust. As much as you hate your mom, she hasn't ever really put you in any danger. She's just... very strict.

The GRAND PATRIARCH on the other hand... yeah, no. He's a super creep. Just something about him doesn't seem right. And everyone else, you can't trust. You've never really made any friends with anyone. It's not that you haven't tried, it's just no one wants to hang out with a girl where one tiny slip up could send your over protective mother into a furious rage.

Oceanstuck: "bust open the window and make an escape"

nintendocs: "Look for any switches you can hit with a magic bean."

JosephOfGlass: "Find out how to get to where your mom and the Patriarch are."

GreyouTT: "Look for a flamethrower in the boxes and then burn the fuck out of the fungus and free your people of its tyranny."

Jeffory: "Fantasize about what Paul Rudd is doing right now, or has done, or will do."

ADULT_LINK: "MEAT MY BEET"

You've tried many times before to break out of this place, but these windows are just too strong. This place was meant to be a bunker, after all.

You start looking through the many boxes for useful supplies.

First you find a RED BEET and one of your MEMES.

Your job as a MEME CONNOISSEUR has given you tons of experience and insight into the production of MEMES. You've used this to your advantage to craft your own MEMES. This one is the beloved classic COOL CARROT. It's been a huge hit so far.

You grab both the MEME and RED BEET and put them into your INFINITORY. Man, these boxes seem like they could have anything in them!

Why, maybe you'll even find a FLAMETHROWER and finally be able to end that GROSS FUNGUS once and for all! You're getting excited now.

In the next box is.....!!!

...an old TV.

Like, a really old shitty TV.

You sigh and put it in your INFINITORY.

In the last box is wait what the fuck

Amy: "...uh."

???: "Crap."

Amy: "...who are-"

???: "I can explain Miss Princess, ma'am. Pls don't smite me and stuff."

Amy: "I'm not... gonna smite you I'm just confused as to why you're sleeping in a box?"

Amy: "And please just call me Amy."

???: "I was waiting for someone. And the box. It just looked so cozy..."

???: "Turned out it was."

Amy: "This place is restricted you know. You could get in a lot of trouble for being here!"

Amy: "And right now you're supposed to be praising that dumb mushroom."

???: "Well then why are you here, Amy? You're supposed to attend the praising too, right?"

Amy: "Uh... it's complicated. And hey, I'm not trying to scold you or anything!"

Amy: "I'm just saying, it's like you're asking to be thrown to the FungImps or something!"

???: "I'm touched, but don't worry. I can take care of myself just fine."

Amy: "Well, we're both a couple of troublemakers playing hooky now."

Amy: "Oh right. What's your name, anyways?"

???: "You can just call me Doc."

Doc: "And your name... We all know your's, Princess."

Amy: "Haha, yeeeah... Look, just please don't call me Princess anymore."

Amy: "It's what my mom does all the time. It's very annoying. :/"

Doc: "Huh. You don't like being the Princess?"

Amy: "No, waaay too much attention. Treated like an idol. No one to relate."

Amy: "But of course this is probably sounding like a lot of petty nitpicks to you. It usually does."

Doc: "...no, actually. Just surprised."

Amy: "???"

Doc: "You're not really like your mother, are you?"

Amy: "God, I hope not. She's insufferable. One might even call her a... tightass."

Doc: "Yeah she's definitely a tightass."

Doc: "You know, Amy. You're pretty cool."

Amy: "Huh? Haha no I'm not."

Doc: "No I'm serious."

Amy: "Oh... heheh, thanks."

Doc: "...Crap, I'm already late. Hey I gotta go."

Doc: "Listen... tomorrow... stay safe."

Amy: "What do you mean...?"

Doc: "I'll see you!"

She transforms into shadows and vanishes.

She was nice.

You've never had someone around to vent about your mother with before. It feels... very liberating.

You also wonder what PAUL RUDD is doing.

Wait, Paul? Who's Paul? You've never met a Paul.

In reality, Paul is praying to some ridiculous GODS that you know nothing about.

Both of your journeys began around the same time.

You look around for any switches that you can flick at. Oh, right. You remember there being a switch over there.

Aw, you missed.

However, your bean ricocheted off the wall, hitting a different switch!

Looks like that was what operates the VENT HOOD.

Your mom caught wind of you sneaking off here a few years ago. Instead of kindly asking you to stop like a normal person, she instead installed this VENT HOOD to end your vile crime of looking at the moon. Now you got a clear shot to your room though, you just need to make it through the vents.

Getting to your Mother at this point is pretty much out of the question.

In the MAIN HALL, she is on a floor above everyone else. You are meant to be BY HER SIDE when praising the fungi.

She would be on the SECURITY LEVEL right now.

Her room is in the ADMINISTRATIVE LEVEL.

You just live on the FOURTH HOUSING LEVEL.

Below all that is the MECHANICAL LEVEL underground where various systems are upkept.

Oceanstuck: "where else you can reach through the vents? find a way to get the hell out of the bunker that way"

The VENTS should go all throughout the BUNKER.

Through these specific vents you should have access to all the HOUSING ROOMS on THIS FLOOR. There are TWO MAIN SHAFTS on either side of the BUNKER that lead to other floors, but you've never tried to go through them before, what with the giant spinning fans and all.

Nevertheless, you begin your trek through the vents. Though it's been a while since you've last been here, you've still got this place memorized like the back of your hand.

You turn a corner and see... something peeking at you.

It appears to be a gas mask, staring right at you.

Oceanstuck: "eye the gas mask suspiciously and/or wonder what its doing here and/or put it in your infinitory"

Jeffory: "put it on. Nothing ever goes wrong when you put on masks"

JosephOfGlass: "Put it on. Who knows, the fungus' toxins might be floating around in these vents somehow.You can never be too careful."

nintendocs: "Take the mask in one way or another, and hopefully, there is no one else wearing it."

nintendocs: "Also, try to find think of a way you might (somehow) remember that can turn off the fans in the vents, that way you can travel to new areas."

A GAS MASK could be useful around these parts. You decide it'd be in your best interests to take i- wait fuck.

The mask just ran away...

THE MASK JUST RAN AWAY.

YOU RIGHTFULLY FOUND THAT MASK.

You chase the mask a way through the vents, but lose it after it makes a sharp turn. Clever little mask. It has led you right next to one of the MAIN SHAFTS.

You never really ventured into the MAIN SHAFT that often, but this MASK has you intrigued.

The MAIN SHAFT goes from the BOTTOM of the bunker to the TOP HOUSING FLOOR (this floor), supplying the entire facility with fresh air and air conditioning. You're not quite sure how you can turn off the fans, but you always figured the controls were behind that door. It must be some kind of maintenance room or something.

Might as well take a look, you don't know where else that MASK could have went.

You carefully make your way down to the door.

That giant fan always made you feel dizzy.

This door requires a CLASS C KEYCARD to open.

You don't have one of those on you right now, so you'll need to figure another way to open the door.

CircleHunter: "Use the Force."

Oceanstuck: "flick a magic bean at it like you did the last door"

JosephOfGlass: "Throw the television at it."

Jeffory: "sacrifice yourself to the great fan god by diving into the blades below"

YOU KNOW ONE WAY TO GET THIS DOOR OPEN

HYAAAAAAH

Well that did fuck all.

You instead decide to reach deep inside yourself and use THE FORCE just like in the animes and movi- wait what the fuck

That actually worked.

You assume it was a huge coincidence.

As you do.

You step into a rather humid room that smells of gasoline.

This place appears to have been used as an easy access corridor for mechanics or something. You can barely make out some muffled talking in the distance over the whirring of ventilation fans.

"Nu I don't think so."

"We can handle it from here."

"Yeah don't worry about it. You should go get some rest, boss."

"Oki..."

"...this is getting a bit dangerous."

"Yeah... do you think we should start scouting with two members from here on out?"

"Definitely. Why the fuck was the Princess even crawling around the vents anyway?"

"No idea."

You continue towards the source of the voices quietly, leading you down a small hallway.

"The boss said she wasn't armed... I don't think she was actively looking for us."

"Oi, that's true. Also why wasn't she at the ceremony? Uungh, I don't understand."

"Either way... we'll just have to be extra careful from now on."

"True. We can't afford to be exposed."

Wait a minute...

These creatures...

...t-they're...

TERRORISTS.

Oceanstuck: "FLICK ALL LES MAGIC BEANS LIKE A MADMAN"

Sengi: "Keep listening in,that way you can alert the GREAT PATRIARCH your mom of a conspiracy"

JosephOfGlass: "Go back. Get the broken TV."

JosephOfGlass: "Slam it onto one of their heads, screaming 'AMERICA FOREVER. FUCK YOU TERRORISTS! CAPITALISMMMMMMMMMMMM!'"

ADULT_LINK: "Beat them with my Beet while screaming MEET MY BEET, BEAT BY BEET."

You get up a bit closer and try to listen in on what they're talking about.

White Beast: "We've got to blow this thing soon. They're on the verge of finding us."

Orange Beast: "But... we still need confirmation from the others. It'd be foolish to act without them."

White Beast: "Feh, those clowns? What have they even done for us? For all we know they could be mushroom zombies by this point."

Orange Beast: "That's a little... harsh."

White Beast: "Honestly I'd say it'd be an improvement. :v"

THEY'RE IN CAHOOTS WITH ANOTHER GROUP?

AND THEY'RE PLANNING ON BLOWING SOMETHING UP?

YOU MUST ACT.

NOW.

A M E R I C A

DIE COMMIE SCUM

Actually, you think a stealthy approach might be a bit more effective.

White Beast: "Harsh? If anything I'm being easy o-PWEH"

White Beast: "..."

White Beast: "EEEAUUUUUUGH MY FACE"

You're not done yet...

SLINGSHOTx2 COMBO TIME

Orange Beast: "Uh. You alright there?"

White Beast: "EEEEAAAUUUUUUUUG-MMMMPHH"

Orange Beast: "WHERE ARE THESE BEANS COMING FROM?"

Orange Beast: "TREES ARE TAKING OVER OUR BASE!"

Orange Beast: "What a bother."

"WHAT THESE THINGS CAN BREATHE FIRE?"

All of your plants and beans are being turned to ash!

"WHAT KIND OF BEASTS ARE THESE?"

If your beans are useless, you'll just have to turn to some close range combat...

White Beast: "You... think you can take us down with a vegetable?"

White Beast: "Is that the best weaponry the Princess has?"

You'll show him.

TIME FOR A GOOD OL' FASHIONED BEET DOWN.

"MEET MY BEET. BEAT BY B-"

...the white beast slashes through your vegetable effortlessly.

R I P

THIS MONSTER WILL PAY FOR SUCH A VILE SIN. YOU'RE GOING TO- wait fuck

He's already at your throat and you have no useful weapons.

White Beast: "Now... how did you find out about us?"

"I'm not telling you terrorists anything!"

???: "WAIT!"

The door behind you two opens up.

A small figure stands below.

???: "We're NOT terrorists. :c"

Sengi: "Flee, flee as far as you can manage"

ADULT_LINK: "stare at the yellow thing then look at the white thing and say 'You killed my beet :/'"

nintendocs: "Ask about what the hell they are, and see if they could help you out into the world."

DEAR GOD THIS NEW BEAST IS THE MOST HORRIFYING YET

You're outta this plac- welp apparently you aren't.

Yellow Beast: "Hey calm down :< We're not gonna hurt you"

Amy: "I won't fall for your lies, you terrorist beasts"

White Beast: "Hey now... we're not beasts, y'know."

Yellow Beast: "We're not terrorists either!"

White Beast: ("Well I guess technically we kinda are...")

Yellow Beast: ("Shoosh.")

Amy: "Then explain all this anti-my-mom stuff! And the harsh veggie-shaming rhetoric!"

Orange Beast: "YOU'RE the one who should do the explaining, what have you all done with everyone?"

Amy: "What??"

Yellow Beast: "HEY"

Yellow Beast: "One thing at a time"

Orange Beast: "Sorry Boss..."

Amy: "Wait... the tiny yellow beast is your boss?"

Amy: "I thought it would be angry white beast over here..."

White Beast: "We have names..."

Amy: "I can't believe I'm arguing with a bunch of animals..."

White Beast: "OI. We're not animals either. We're pokemon."

Orange Beast: "Maybe we should just introduce ourselves...?"

Yellow Beast: "Oh, good idea."

I'm Archery...

My name's Sengi.

I'm KidPichu... and together we're...

T E A M F L A N

Amy: "O-oh... okay. So, the grumpy beast is Sengi...?"

Sengi: "I'm not THAT grumpy, I just-"

Amy: "Y-you killed my beet..."

Pichu: "He killed your what?"

Amy: "My special beet... he sliced it right in two."

Pichu: "D: He did?"

Sengi: "What!? No, I-"

Archery: "It's true, I saw it with my own two eyes."

Pichu: ":c Sengi why"

Sengi: "She was attacking me with it!"

Amy: "RIP, my beet..."

Sengi: "Sigh..."

Amy: "So, you're a team of terrorist beas- err... pokemon?"

Pichu: "We're not terrorists, we're freedom fighters!"

Sengi: "I have a feeling a lot of... sensative information is about to be thrown around."

Archery: "Yeah... maybe we should find a better way to do this?"

Pichu: "Hmm..."

Pichu: "Oki, how about we just take turns asking our questions?"

Pichu: "And everyone has to tell the truth!"

Amy: "Sure..."

Pichu: "You can go first."

Amy: "Alright... what are you all doing here?"

Sengi: "Oh boy... that one's gonna take some explaining."

Pichu: "We're here to save our friends."

Pichu: "See, we aren't actually from here... we only arrived about a month ago."

Amy: "A month ago... so you're a part of that large group of refugees that we took in?"

Pichu: "Yes, we all came together."

Amy: "I've never been able to get a straight answer... where did you all come from? My mom says everyone else was wiped out during THE WAR."

Sengi: ("So much for taking turns...")

Archery: "Well, you see... we're not from here. We're from a different universe."

Amy: "Uh-huh..."

Pichu: "You don't believe us? :c"

Amy: "Different universe??"

Sengi: "Yeah, what so hard to believe about that?"

Amy: "Only the fact that it's an entirely different univerese!"

Pichu: "You've never been to another universe before? D:"

Amy: "...I thought you were going to answer truthfully."

Sengi: "We are. Surely you remember the other refugees from our universe talking about it - it was named Hubris."

Amy: "Yes... I do remember hearing the name... they quickly stopped talking about it, though..."

Pichu: "Yeah... I'll explain that in a bit."

Pichu: "We lived happily in Hubris, everything was good... until one day."

Pichu: "The whole world was cursed with a never-ending night, and a big Blue Moon appeared in the sky."

Archery: "We panicked, fearing an ancient demon had broken loose from his prison."

Archery: "The once peaceful creatures that inhabited our land began taking on monstrous forms, we had no choice but to flee."

Sengi: "And so, we were left with one choice..."

Sengi: "We had to turn to him for help."

Amy: "Him?"

Archery: "A man from Hubris named Mugen. He had a device that could transport us between universes."

Amy: "Oh... so he's like your hero?"

Sengi: "Feh..."

Archery: "Well in this case, I suppose so. He's not exactly the... hero type, really."

Sengi: "ANYWAY"

Sengi: "We were taken in by VG-Inc. They were... well, I guess I mean your mom was kind enough to let us settle here for a while."

Archery: "But that's when things went south..."

Pichu: "We noticed our friends started acting weird... they couldn't remember Hubris anymore, and started craving veggies all the time."

Sengi: "You remember, right? When we all first moved here we treated the 'Great Fungi Praising' as a joke."

Amy: "Yeah... Mom was pretty mad about that."

Sengi: "Isn't it strange how right around the same time our friends began forgetting about Hubris they suddenly got really into the fungi praising?"

Pichu: "And became obsessed with veggies?"

Amy: "..."

Archery: "We believe some sort of toxins are being spread throughout the residential quarters at night... that's why it never affected us - we were setting up this place as our base while we were supposed to be sleeping... heh..."

Amy: "And... no one else remembers Hubris?"

Sengi: "Starting to believe us, eh? :v"

Amy: "I never said that."

Sengi: "Anyways, no. There's one other group like us working to free the our friends from the clutches of that phallic fungi."

Archery: "They're on the lowest floor doing who knows what."

Amy: "Alright, well... I'm not sure how much of that is true..."

Amy: "But I suppose I should hold up my side of the deal as well. You can ask me anything."

You bet they'll use this chance to ask for some juicy sensitive inside info they can use against you.

Time to see how terroristical these terrorists are.

Pichu: "Hmm... what's your story?"

Amy: "What?"

Pichu: "Like growing up?"

Amy: "Oh..."

Playing hard to get, huh?

These guys are good.

Amy: "Well..."

Amy: "I was born on my mother's farm."

Amy: "It was land that had been in my family for years."

Amy: "My mom worked on that farm, as had my mom's mom."

Amy: "Every day we would work out in the fields."

Amy: "If there's one thing I don't miss about being outside anymore, it's definitely the sun."

Amy: "Mom values hard work... everything had to be perfect. She was always very strict about that."

Amy: "Every seed, every row of crops... it was very meticulous work."

Amy: "But of course, we wouldn't always be able to farm in peace."

Amy: "As you know- or... apparently don't know, tensions between us and the Meat Lovers were rising."

Amy: "They were barbarous."

Sengi: "Wait... a war between vegetarians and meat eaters? And you say WE'RE farfetch'd..."

Amy: "Hey, what's so weird about it?"

Sengi: "Why would anyone have a war over what food they prefer eating?"

Amy: "It wasn't just about that..."

Amy: "I would have happily scarfed down some meat as a kid... things weren't always well on the farm."

Amy: "Long droughts and famines left us without food pretty often."

Amy: "But then... I'd look around at our animals, and ask mom, 'Why can't we eat the meat?'"

Amy: "And mom at me very angrily and say, 'The second you take a bite of that meat, they win,'"

Sengi: "...really?"

Amy: "It's not about the food... or at least, that's what mom always said."

Amy: "She says it has something to do with your ideals."

Amy: "My father wasn't like that, though."

Amy: "He worked on the farm too, but I liked working with him."

Amy: "He wasn't strict, and he would goof off with me when mom wasn't around."

Amy: "But then THE WAR broke out."

Amy: "He was drafted..."

Amy: "...and never came back."

Archery: "Oh..."

Amy: "But, it's ok. It was a very long time ago."

Amy: "Besides..."

Amy: "He left this for me."

Sengi: "A pendant?"

Pichu: "Ooh"

Amy: "Yes, I love it... He knew I loved the moon."

Amy: "But... yes, after that..."

Amy: "Many people came to work on our farm."

Amy: "People were looking for jobs, and we had so much land..."

Amy: "I think we became so popular because nearly every other patch of farmland had become a battlezone, or the owners had been drafted."

Amy: "Our fortunes skyrocketed, and over the years mom was able to transform our farming business into a thriving company."

Amy: "We didn't do it all alone. The government actually took interest in us as well, helping fund us, as we were the last remaining bulk of farmland left."

Amy: "Though... the war kept getting worse."

Amy: "Every day I would wake up and see the black smoke closer than it was the night before."

Amy: "Eventually mom decided it was too dangerous for us to be out in the fields."

Amy: "So she had us take residence in one of VG-Inc's main projects - this very bunker."

Amy: "It was a good call on my mom's part, because the very next day was when the bombs fell."

Amy: "And ever since then... it's been completely quiet on the outside."

Amy: "That is, until you all showed up."

Sengi: "..."

Archery: "...I guess we both have some histories that are hard to swallow."

Amy: "Heh, I guess so."

Pichu: "Oh right, it's your turn again. Anything you want to ask?"

Sengi: "The next Questionnn should be what they plan to do, right?"

Oceanstuck: "'is there anything i can help you with'"

JosephOfGlass : "I still don't trust these COMMIES"

JosephOfGlass : "But yeah ask them if they have a flamethrower and if you can borrow the gas mask."

nintendocs: "ask them if you can leave with them. AND/OR, ask about the ancient demon."

Amy: "What exactly are you all planning on doing?"

Archery: "I'm... not sure if we can tell you our exact plans yet..."

Amy: "This involves my family, I'd kinda like to know what lengths you're gonna go to."

Sengi: "Well, we're not assassins, so don't worry about that..."

Sengi: "As for our plan, well..."

Sengi: "As we mentioned, we believe that giant mushroom emits some kind of toxin."

Sengi: "We think this toxin is messing with the minds of our friends, making them more susceptible to whatever will is placed on them."

Pichu: "In other words, mind control."

Archery: "These toxins spread through the vents at night... so that's our main target - the ventilation system and the fungi itself."

Archery: "Our two groups were divided between the upper and lower parts of the vent systems."

Archery: "Like this, we could study how the vents operate, shut them down, and travel through them to take down the fungi."

Amy: "Okay, I see, but that seems a little... overt?"

Amy: "She would know it was you guys; the whole Main Shaft housing the fungi is under constant surveillance."

Amy: "And even if you guys manage to give them the slip, the rest of your kind from Hubris would get punished as well."

Amy: "It'd be a manhunt."

Sengi: "She'd do something like that?"

Amy: "Like I said... she's seriously strict. Strict and paranoid."

Archery: "We don't need to worry about that. We've got a way to throw the suspicion off us AND our friends."

Pichu: "Yeah, it's all worked out, you don't have to worry about us."

Amy: "Well, okay..." (Their funeral)

Sengi: "I have a question..."

Sengi: "What's up with the Grand Patriarch?"

Amy: "Oh... him. He's pretty off."

Archery: "Are you related?"

Amy: "No. I hadn't ever seen him before a few years ago."

Amy: "He kind of came out of no where, a lot like you guys."

Sengi: "Huh... so another universe hopper?"

Archery: "You don't know where he's from?"

Amy: "No... he doesn't talk too often. Apparently my mom saw some good leadership qualities in him though, it wasn't long before he was her right hand man."

Amy: "Things started changing pretty heavily when he got promoted."

Amy: "You know, originally there was a tree in the Main Shaft. It was a huge Redwood tree... I always wanted to climb it, or hollow it out and live in it."

Sengi: "And that thing reached from the bottom floor to the top??"

Amy: "Yes, it was enormous. I think it was supposed to be an emergency air supply of some sort. It might have been scientifically altered or something, I don't know."

Pichu: "You could have a whole city of treehouses :o"

Sengi: "No kidding..."

Amy: "But anyway, yeah... they burned it down and replaced it with that purple mushroom. I don't know if it was the Grand Patriarch's idea or not, but I know mom spearheaded it either way."

Amy: "Aside from that, security just about everywhere got much tighter when he joined. He must have been just as paranoid as mom was."

Amy: "If he is, he certainly does not show it. In fact, he's actually pretty nice in person."

Amy: "He still creeps me out a bit, though."

Amy: "As does his giant mushroom."

Amy: "Oh, speaking of..."

Amy: "Is ther any chance I could borrow a gas mask? And uh, a flamethrower?"

Sengi: "..."

Pichu: "How did you know our original plan? :o"

Sengi: "Well we have plenty of spare gas masks you could borrow. They're all a bit old though."

Sengi: "We don't exactly have a flamethrower, though."

Pichu: "Archery is our flamethrower."

Sengi: "Yeah, and we kinda need them."

Sengi: "But here, take this old thing."

Sengi: "It's kinda old and has a bit of an ugly design, but it works all the same."

Amy: "Uhh, alright. Thanks."

Pichu: "Make sure chu wear it at night in the vents."

Pichu: "I have a question."

Amy: "Yes?"

Pichu: "Umm..."

Pichu: "You have that accent because you worked on a farm, don't chu?"

Amy: "Oh... you could tell?"

Amy: "And I usually do such a good job of hiding it..."

Sengi: "Of course boss is the one to hear it before any of us."

Amy: "???"

Pichu: "Hehe >w>"

Amy: "Alright, I got a question that's been nagging me for a bit..."

Amy: "What's with this ancient demon that Hubris was convinced was attacking them?"

Sengi: "Oh, him..."

Pichu: "He's a spooky ghost!"

Amy: "A... ghost?"

Archery: "It's, uh... a long story."

Sengi: "His name is Ben... well, it was. Now that he's a spirit, his name is BEN. Uh, with all caps, I mean."

Amy: "That's just dumb and confusing."

Sengi: "Get used to that feeling."

Archery: "BEN was the arch nemesis of Hubris... basically, we all banded together to try and take him down."

Archery: "We never got the chance, though. BEN never revealed himself and no one ever found him hiding anywhere."

Sengi: "Our only lead was the original Mask he once dwelled in, but that showed no signs of activity either."

Amy: "So he's a ghost-demon-poltergeist thing?"

Sengi: "Call him a ghost, monster, eulogy, whatever you want."

Archery: "Like all ghosts though, he was once alive."

Archery: "We don't know much about when he was human... only that he had connections with a mysterious cult known as the Moon Children."

Amy: "There's a cult now??"

Sengi: "Yeah, and even the cult is pretty shrowded in mystery..."

Amy: "No wonder you people are so strange."

Sengi: "Says the militaristic vegetarian princess..."

Amy: "Touche."

Pichu: "I have one more question."

Amy: "It doesn't involve my dialect does it?"

Pichu: "Nooo."

Pichu: "We need to know if you trust us..."

Well, there it is.

No more tiptoeing around it.

Do you think Team Flan is a group of freedom fighters who need your help?

Or are they just a bunch of communist scum who you should avoid like the plague?

JosephOfGlass: "On the one hand, they seem like okay dudes."

JosephOfGlass: "But on the other hand, they're COMMIE SCUM"

nintendocs: "Trust them! Sure, their story is crazy, but there's always the chance that it's true!"

Oceanstuck: "trust them because theyre commie scum obviously."

ADULT_LINK: "Trust them because what if YOU are the commie scum?"

CircleHunter: "Trust them."

ARGdov: "Trust them"

They seem like they're telling the truth... so you suppose you can trust them for now.

Amy: "Yeah... I trust you all."

Amy: "For a bunch of terrorists, you all seem like pretty good people- err... pokemon."

Sengi: "Right well... that's settled I guess."

You hear a lound sound coming from the facility.

"BONG... BONG... BONG..."

Amy: "Oh, crap... it's almost time for lights out!"

Amy: "I'm already in a ton of trouble, I have to make it back to my room."

Pichu: "Oh, here we'll help you get back."

Amy: "Uh, thanks but I know these vents like the back of my hand, I won't get lost."

Pichu: "Noo, it's not that..."

Sengi: "You see, it gets dangerous in the vents at night..."

Amy: "Oh... I have that gas mask right here, don't worry."

Sengi: "That's not what we mean..."

Archery: "Certainly you've heard of it... right?"

Archery: "The beast that prowls the vents at night?"

Amy: "What?"

Sengi: "I remember all the rumors from when we first got here..."

Amy: "Yeah, but they're just that... rumors."

Amy: "People probably saw a rogue fungimp in the dark and freaked out or something."

Pichu: "No it's real..."

Archery: "This thing is the biggest threat to us currently..."

Sengi: "Luckily it doesn't seem too interested in using force to maneuver around the place."

Sengi: "So you don't need to worry in here, we've always got that door locked up tight."

Amy: "Umm... yeah... eheh..."

Sengi: "Speaking of... how DID you open that door anyway?"

Sengi: "Do you have special clearance?"

Amy: "No I just kinda... uh..."

Archery: "Wait... you did close the door behind you... right?"

Amy: "Uh, not exactly..."

Sengi: "Well... from now on make sure you keep that door closed."

Sengi: "We wouldn't want IT to get i-"

Sengi: "..."

Pichu: "..."

Archery: "..."

Amy: "..."

Amy: "What?"

IT: *C R A C K L E C R A C K L E*

You feel a very hot breath on your shoulder.

You muster enough courage to turn around.

A large intimidating mech towers over you.

Do as you will.

Weenie-Licked: End

It's finally time to resume our epic battle...

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