Blackberry? No, no no, this is your THETAZON standard issue *P*ersonal *E*vironmental *N*avigator v 15, or PEN15. This handy little device can tell you seemingly almost anything given that enough brain power and desperation is thrown the device's way. It is supposedly run on the actual power of frustration. It's kind of like the Hitchhiker's Guide, if only much less useful. But now that you remember what it is, and your supposed alien language needed to read it, maybe it can provide some help after all.